i'm an orange moon, reflecting the light of the sun

i was thinking last night and i realized that every time i've been interested in someone immediately, like REALLY interested, it always turns out badly. i get too blinded by everything that seems so perfect and everything that seems exactly right on the surface and i jump right into things. it doesn't give me enough time to realize that i am being - or am certainly going to be - used. or that the other person involved doesn't necessarily want the same things that i do even if it seems like they do. i've realized that it's always turned out better when i haven't been interested in someone as a potential romantic partner right from the start. moving slowly is a very good thing, and sometimes (not always), maybe even most of the time, it allows you the opportunity to figure things out. to get to know someone. that may seem obvious. i'm probably just insane. but regardless, this is what i've realized.

but what do you do when you DO have an immediate attraction to someone? for me it's really difficult to ignore. i'm always afraid that if i don't let them know right away that i'm interested that i'll lose my chance, because that has happened to me before - more than once. but that way of thinking has gotten me nowhere and will never get me anywhere and all it leads to is confusion, self doubt, anger, and pain. this is where fate comes in. we all have free will, of course. and i always think back to that part of "forrest gump" in which he's trying to figure out whether you decide your own destiny or if everything is already mapped out for you from the beginning. he concludes that it's probably a little bit of both. makes sense. but in the end, i believe that everything happens for a reason and that what will be, will be. que sera, sera. it's just hard to...let go, just let go, when you want something so much. it's hard to wait. i've always had this odd sense that i'm running out of time.

on another note, i like to believe that karma exists, which is why i think it's pointless for us to waste our time on revenge. but in order to truly own that belief, you've got to put positive energy out there. treat others as you'd like to be treated.

i'm not a jesus freak, and i went to catholic school for 13 years which means i know jack shit about the bible, but...

love is patient and kind;

love is not jealous or boastful;

it is not arrogant or rude.

love does not insist on its own way;

it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.

love bears all things, believes all things,

hopes all things, endures all things. -- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

...how can you argue with that?

i'm not a robot...

...but the word makes me laugh. robots in theory are funny to me; robots in actuality scare the shit out of me. so if you get me a robot shirt, we're cool. if you create and deliver my robot twin to my front door like that chinese guy who was on jimmy kimmel, we're not friends anymore. but as much as i don't wish to cohabitate with one, i have to admit that robots have something good going for them. they don't feel...anything. alright, i know that's very emo and the tin man needs a heart and all that, but really. robot love, if it were to exist, would be so simple. and i'll be honest here: not only am i a complicated girl, but i'm GLAD that i am. i embrace it. i know that as deeply as things hurt me sometimes, that only means that the good things feel THAT much better. my emotions run deep, yadda yadda. but some days, as they say...are better than others.

and now i have not only writer's block (yes, already), but also a headache, which is just one more condition in a list of many from which robots do not have to suffer.

but i'll be back (get it?)...

like the terminator.