i just don't want to be unhappy. those words kept repeating through my head earlier as i was watching fucking "elizabethtown" for like the fourth time. i don't even like that movie. i just don't want to be unhappy.
movies are awesome. things happen in movies that never happen in real life. and when they do happen in real life, they're usually (in my case, always) too good to be true. i am a child, a teenager, and an adult of television and movies. of mtv and hollywood. of US weekly magazine, access hollywood, and american idol. i am idealistic. i am, in a word, a dreamer. okay that's two words. dreamer was supposed to be the word. and sometimes i feel like the only one.
i search for what i've done wrong. i listen and i love. i change negative behaviors, or at least i try. there's a thick line, in most cases, between being yourself and being who you want to be. i've been living for the future for so long, waiting for life to begin, that sometimes i don't know who i am right now. maybe it's not something to search for. maybe that's a job for other people. maybe i should stop trying so hard and just let them do their job.
what i want in life is to help people. to connect with them. who am i? i'm a fan. i'm a fan of music and writing. other people's experiences and creativity inspire me. i want to be that person for other people, i always have. i think that most people feel that way. i just like to think that i'm one of the lucky ones who knows which path i want to take in order to achieve that. but fear is a powerful, powerful thing.
i sabotage myself every day. i sabotage relationships, potential relationships, job opportunities...even chances at being just a little happier for today. why? fear. fear of failure. failure isn't failure if you don't really try. that's the way it feels anyway. but that's complete bullshit. not trying? that's the fastest and lamest way to lose. "little miss sunshine" taught me that.
so why do i so often allow fear to control me? i've lost people. i can't stand the idea of losing any more. i want things. i can't stand the idea of being knocked down. and so i live in purgatory. but really it's my own personal hell that i've created. i hate fall and i hate spring. they're the transition seasons. i'm an all or nothing sort of girl and thus far, this has not served me well in life for the most part.
there's no quick wrap-up here; i could say so many things, like, "but now things are going to change" or "i'm tired of being afraid and i'm going to live life to the fullest from now on," but the truth is, tomorrow is another day, just like any other. it's another opportunity and i'll try to take it as such. my bed is way too comfortable. sometimes i think that is my biggest problem in life.
talk to me.
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6 comments:
Nice Blog :)
Throw your bed away. I think I'm too much of a realist to the point where I believe that everything good is too good to be true. But you can help people, and you will. However it happens, I know you will because you do already just by being a good friend to people, and even just talking to people on the board and helping them out. You're a good person so there is no way you wouldn't help.
Our words convey our true nature. They are one of the few things we have complete control over. Your words in this blog have revealed you to be a honest and kind soul. You say you want to help people. You already are. You’re both a truth teller and a thinker, two traits that together are hard to find. Your words will rub off on others like they have already rubbed off on me. They delight, connect, and inspire. As for the pain - it makes us more human. It reminds us that others hurt, bleed, and struggle because of and with many of the same issues. I used to wish I was unique in my pain – wish I wasn’t dealing with things that everyone else had dealt with since the beginning of time. But in a way – our pain unites us. And hopefully we will be united with others in the overcoming of it.
im always debating this concept of "CHANGE" i mean do we really change? i don't think so. i think we learn to make better decisions but the core of our beings never change. you're still the same person you were yesterday only a little smarter. have you seen before sunset? i think you'll dig it. the whole thing unfolds like a conversation.
~T
yeah i love those movies. i've seen the first one like a hundred times.
:)
I love how your writing is like one long vague-ish poem. That almost sounds like an insult, but I swear, it's totally the opposite. Like a...outsult? Yeah, I'm so cool I make up words.
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