waiting on the world to change

i'll write something new soon, but right now i want to share with youguys a post from one of my myspace blogs last month. if you've already read it, i'm sorry, but i re-read it last night and decided that it was something i wanted to post here.

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one of the best things i've ever read is something that margaret cho said: "life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think." i think it sums up life pretty accurately. unfortunately it's not really that simple. how many people do you know who only feel and don't think? and vice versa? i like to focus on the second part, but when it comes down to it, i love hard, i feel pain very deeply, and most of the time i can't seem to let my brain make my decisions for me. i know that i'm lucky because i can find the humor in situations more often than the average person i think, but we're not talking 50/50 here. i think back on when i was very depressed and i went through a fairly significant numb stage. sometimes i need to remind myself of that because hands down it was the scariest feeling ever. i didn't cry, but i also didn't laugh. i was just empty. it's ironic that now i'm constantly searching for ways to numb everything. i have this liquid lidocaine that was prescribed to me by my doctor the last time i had a serious sore throat but no actual infection. it didn't do anything because i was supposed to gargle with it and it just stayed in my mouth and numbed my tongue. i gave up on it pretty quickly. but now i use it for canker sores because it does a better job than throat spray at least. sometimes i look at the bottle and i wish i could fill the bathtub with it; that i could submerse myself in it and not feel a thing on the outside, and maybe it would seep into my brain or something, i don't know.

i think as life goes on, you learn to laugh more. you learn that taking yourself too seriously will deprive you of so many good experiences, and life is full of so much bad that you just can't afford to miss those. unfortunately, for me at least, my brain learns these sorts of things much faster than my heart. my heart is slow on the uptake. i wish i could put myself into one category but i can't. that's why the best movies are the ones that make you laugh AND cry. i need the tears to remind myself that i'm alive and compassionate. and i need the laughs to remind myself that there is still so much more to look forward to.

people tell me that i'm strong but it certainly doesn't feel that way. they say that courage isn't the absence of fear, but moving forward in spite of it. or something like that. i don't know where my place is in all of that. i've moved forward when i've been forced, but i've also held myself back in many ways, in many cases for as long as i can get away with it. i'm still just trying to figure things out like everyone else.

in the meantime, i'm tired of being afraid. so many people in my life inspire me and i want to start focusing on that. but right now, RIGHT now...i'm going to go to sleep and dream of the ocean carrying me away. and when i wake up, i'll go to my psych appointment and tell him that i'm feeling disappointed and hurt, but hopeful. because somehow, no matter what happens, something inside of me always KNOWS that it's going to be okay and that big things are coming. so even on the days that i waste entirely, even on the nights that i cry myself to sleep, even on the mornings/afternoons that it's all i can do to force myself out of bed...i know that a better day is coming. and that's why i continue to bitch about my stupid problems. i have to get the poison out to leave room for the good stuff.

p.s: i've come to the conclusion that mermaid movies are, as a rule, AWESOME.