earth girls

i was just watching "sex and the city" on hbo on demand. i'm still trying to figure out which character i'm most like. i don't know why i find this so necessary but for some reason i do. i'm the kind of person who likes to have answers to things, and for things; to know where i stand, and what's likely to happen. i don't like it. for as much as i don't like to label things, especially myself, this sort of attitude lends itself to...well, nothing but labels. i've never claimed not to be a hypocrite.

well, let's take a look at the ladies in question:

samantha. i'm not a bit like samantha. in fact, i still think she's just a soulless slut, despite my friend rachel's insistence that she changes her ways in the end (i still haven't seen the entire series so don't ruin it for me!).

miranda. i'm a little like miranda, i guess. let's see, she's usually alone, pessimistic, and often wears unflattering clothing. okay maybe i'm not much like miranda.

charlotte. i would NEVER have dated anyone like tre. i don't dress like her. i'm not as naive and i'm not as proper. but she's sweet, and she's optimistic. so i think i'm a little like charlotte.

carrie. according to my grandfather, i look like sarah jessica parker. i don't know why he watched sex and the city, but he made a point of letting me know that. interesting, for a (75 year old) man of few words. anyway, carrie. she writes. i write. the other characters are fairly extreme (if that even makes sense), whereas she's relatively...normal, for lack of a better word. i should probably stop saying "for lack of a better word." get a thesaurus! i said to...myself. um. i'm just stomping that normal idea right into the ground, am i not? yeah. she's usually in a relationship, or at least dating someone. up until recently i can't say that was me. she analyzes everything. i used to think that i was mostly carrie with a touch of charlotte until i saw the episodes where she was so emotionally closed off and couldn't let aidan in, and that...so not me. i'm nothing if not open. i have "committed" written across my face. you know, in the good way. so at that point, i decided that i was nothing like carrie. but the episode i just watched was focused mainly on carrie's newfound cynicism. don't get me wrong - i consider myself an optimist to the umph degree; despite everything, i always believe that situations will turn out alright and that big and wonderful things await me. but once you've been burned, really burned, and you've been knocked down a few times? you tend to do a double take more than once in a while. so, in short, i still don't have a sex and the city label. but that's not the point of any of this.

in that same episode, carrie and charlotte go to an affirmation seminar, run by a woman who promises that if you do the things she says, you will find love. she says if you repeat certain affirmations with which she provides you, it will happen. she says, "love will come to you only when you truly believe you deserve it." i think that's true. it's easy to look around and see that it's true. but the thing is...i believe that i deserve it. i've always believed that i've deserved it. i've got issues and things to work on just like anybody else (read: i go to therapy), but i love myself and i know what i'm worth. i also know what i'm capable of. so where is the love? what is it waiting for exactly? better question: why do i want it so badly?

i don't know if i believe that there is only one person out there for everyone. i think i believe in soulmates, but not necessarily in the romantic sense. i just wonder why something so difficult and rare to find is something we need so much. i wonder why we hurt each other so much. i wonder why there are so many love songs and why...there are none about me. hmph.

and with that, i present to you the following ad from the craigslist personals:

Do not have time to date... - 27

---

Looking for a female partner, Do not really have time to date, possibly lookin for someone to move in if the vibe is good and do partner type things. Has to do well with children and someone that is neat. I will explain later more into detail. Please submit picture as I will send you one back.

You may not be disappointed. I am 6'3, lean, and have a reserved humorous personality...


...okay. so at 27, he's already run out of time to date and is looking for someone to move in? to just launch into a relationship? and don't forget, she must be neat and good with children. sounds like he's looking for a dog, not a girlfriend. but my personal judgment aside, on the one hand, i envy him. he's THAT ready to just...skip everything, go off of an initial vibe, and just BE with someone. on the other, it's like...has it already become that much of a chore? at 27? a nice vibe is reason enough to move in with someone and stop looking? that makes me depressed, kids or not. it makes me realize how difficult it can be and how desperate so many of us are. at the same time, it reminds me of john cusack's marriage proposal to laura in "high fidelity," followed by a rant about fantasy girls and that none of that is real and his proclamation: "i'm just tired of thinking about it."

you know how they say that instead of always wanting what you can't have, you should focus on wanting what you do have? well, i don't know. maybe it really is that simple.