strong enough

i'm finishing "mad love" on showtime on demand. i've probably seen it five times or so. it makes me think of that kirsten dunst movie "crazy/beautiful." in both movies the girls are mentally ill and the guys haven't known them long but fall head over heels in love, and they'll do anything to stay with them and make sure that they're okay, despite all of the things that they go through and put them through in the process. i know that this is a completely sexist thing to...wonder, but how realistic is that? guys can't seem to even put up with your average, run of the mill "crazy," much less a severe mental condition. i was watching "my super ex-girlfriend" last night, and yeah, it's a silly, fantasy comedy deal, but beyond uma thurman's character being a superhero, she's also deemed crazy. and luke wilson's character is known to attract only "crazy" women. and yes, it offended me a little. where are all the crazy guy movies? where are they? i guess i'm kind of flipping it here because most "crazy" guy movies involve stalking or murder. and i guess movies like "fatal attraction" and "single white female" exist as well, which certainly don't fall into the category of light and looney. so i don't know; these are just things that i wonder. i guess i just watch a scene like the one in mad love where drew barrymore's character is collapsed on the ground sobbing and her boyfriend is holding her and assuring her that everything will be okay, and i hope that when i get that way i can have someone there for me who doesn't decide the next day that it's time to get as far away from me as possible. i'm not attempting suicide or stealing cars or putting up magazine faces on walls for "protection," but i do cry. and guys don't like that. they don't - ask them. i'm not saying it necessarily makes them go away, but they really hate to see girls cry. they either don't know how to handle it or they feel responsible - or both - even if it has nothing to do with them. but this is a tip for any guys out there who can relate to what i'm saying and have found themselves in that situation: just hold us. tomorrow everything will be okay. we just need to know that we're safe and that we're not alone.

i want to tell you something, my blog friends. i don't like to hold shit in. i don't feel like crying every day. generally, in fact, i feel pretty good. i am a glass half full, optimistic, fun-loving kind of girl, even if my idea of fun falls more along the lines of coffee and conversation than doing shots and dancing on the bar (though the latter can be fun, too, minus the actual dancing on the bar thing...do girls really do that?). but i'm often too afraid to cry or open my heart to a guy that i'm seeing for fear of scaring him away. and i'll tell you one thing, that does no one any good. all that does is leave you (me) feeling alone when you're (i'm) with him, and also alone when you're (i'm) not. and it causes all of this emotion to build up that may eventually come out in the wrong form. it's just fucking unhealthy, is what i'm saying. and i don't think it's fair that we're led to feel that if we express our emotions, we run the risk of losing our guys. all i'm saying is that i want to be real. but movies like mad love and crazy/beautiful are not that fucking realistic.

i guess what i'm doing is equating mental illness with general emotion, and they're not the same thing. maybe i shouldn't do that. i'm just trying to make a point, i guess. and i absolutely describe myself as emotional, but i've learned over the past couple of years that to many people, and not only guys, this means moody, unstable, and constantly weeping and/or screaming. i think that's sad. i am an emotional person due to the fact that i am very much in touch with my emotions. i feel many things, both good and bad, and i feel them deeply and often. i feel them within myself, for other people, and about...LIFE. i laugh hard. i cry hard. i smile big. when i'm angry, i express it, but i'd rather have an unassuming, rational conversation than yell. all of these things are true of me. i'm not bipolar, i don't suffer from frequent and severe mood swings. i just feel things deeply. i allow that for myself, and i like to express it. and there is nothing wrong with that. i promise i won't bite...unless you want me to. ;)

(jaykay)