insecurity

when i first decided that i wanted to approach this subject, i had an angle. unfortunately since then, it seems to have escaped me, so just bear with me here. insecurity. for years i was under the impression that i was extremely confident and secure. and then i started paying attention. no, i'm not insecure in the way that i look, and i think that's generally the first thing that comes to people's minds when they throw that word out there. i'm not completely in love with my personal appearance but i don't think that anyone is. there are things i would alter slightly if i could, and things that i can change that i will. but most of the time i'm not terribly self-conscious. i don't ask people often if i look alright before going out. i don't care if my hair looks kinda crazy or i'm covered in dog fur. i know how i like my hair and which clothes flatter my body so i just style, dress, and go. i'm not that bothered by it all.

i first realized that i lacked confidence when i realized WHY it's difficult for me to sing in front of people: i'm afraid that it's not good enough, and it matters a great deal to me what other people think in that area because i'd always planned to make music my life. by stark contrast, it doesn't bother me a bit if someone doesn't remark on how wonderful my writing is, or even if they insult it. i think it's good, and i KNOW it's above average, and i speak from my heart. i don't try too hard; this is just what i do and have always done. i had a friend when i was younger who loved to sing. she always took lessons and was in musicals and she still sings. she has a beautiful voice, but a lot of people found it to be obnoxious because she would sing ALL the time. it didn't matter to them whether or not she actually had a good voice; it was just too loud and too much and they didn't think or care beyond that. personally, i loved it, because it was literally music to my ears, i loved her, and i envied her confidence because she didn't care when people would tell her to shut up, jokingly or not. she just loved to sing, so she did. whenever the mood struck her. and it took me years to realize that that is really all that you need to do: love something, and then pursue it no matter what. or even more importantly, do what makes you happy - it's probably the reason that you're here in the first place. it's an attitude that i'm adopting a little more each day. without passion, there's no point to anything.

but i've recently realized how insecure i am when it comes to relationships. as i've mentioned before, i don't come without my baggage. i'm traveling a little lighter these days thank god, but it's still one day at a time. regardless of the people i dated who treated me certain ways, ultimately it was (and continues to be) my job to decide how to react to that treatment. sure, the way i was treated in any given situation may have reinforced certain hang-ups that i had, or feelings to which i was predisposed, but if we didn't deal with our shit and move on, we would never get anywhere. still, sometimes my reactions are a little too...big. i'm not an overly defensive person except when it comes to a few specific things, and if one of those buttons is pushed, i have trouble staying calm and rational at first. if you're close to me and you're not aware of said buttons, feel free to ask but i'm not going to list them all here. i'll just say that i'm lucky to have some very patient people in my life who stick around until i've had time to decompress and react in a fair and rational way. to those people, i say thank you for liking me and loving me and caring enough about being in my life to give me that consideration, because i usually don't deserve it.

shout-out to captain obvious: thank you for caring enough to fight with me. thank you for making me feel like my good outweighs my bad and that i can trust you. thank you for being the first person i feel comfortable arguing with without thinking you'll go away. thank you for listening to me, and thank you for calling me on my shit.