i'm not one to come to for advice anymore. i used to think that i was, but now i know that i'm not. i can give you my perspective from the outside and i can provide clarity and logic when needed, but really when it comes down to it, i'm just guessing like everyone else. what makes sense to your brain doesn't necessarily make sense to your heart. and even if it does, it doesn't mean you've got ANY control over anyone but yourself.
i feel like we haven't been properly introduced. hi. i'm sarah. i live and i learn, just like you; for some reason, i just feel the need to blog about it. not that everyone and their mom doesn't have a blog these days, but perhaps you don't and in that case, that is the only difference between us. the thing i love most in the world is singing. and i love writing. this blog is something i've been thinking about starting for years. i want to write so many things. i want to connect with people and i want to help people. i want to do that through music and writing, and this is just my first step. i'm often lonely and i don't want to be. i'm often alone and i do enjoy that. make of it what you will.
my A key seems to be working okay now but now my Z key is giving me problems. so that means i can blog right now, but i still may have to part with my computer for a period of time. i have an appointment at the genius bar in less than 15 hours. i'll most likely follow through. we'll see.
i have a friend i can't live without. no matter how long we go without speaking or seeing each other, she's just in my heart like no one else on earth. sometimes i don't understand the situation. sometimes i'm okay. sometimes all i need in life is to talk to her and then i know everything will be better. but it is what it is and this is one example of me not being the person to give advice anymore. it hurts when i'm not around her. time goes by in minutes, days, weeks, months, and years, and there is still a place in my heart labeled with her name and that never changes. it is my biggest source of emptiness other than my lack of creative outlet, but i'm working on that one.
there was a guy i dated who made me believe it could be different. made me believe we wanted the same things. thought he could kiss me hard and finish my sentences and spend hours talking to me as we interrupted each other because we both had so much to say even though we'd just met and then thought that i could just be chill about the whole thing, even though we bonded over our mutual intensity. or so i thought. but as much as i want to punch him in the face, i have to admit that he was the rebound guy. my last relationship had damaged me severely. it was a dream break-up; we talked and talked until i felt better and he was there for me just like he always said he would be and we're still friends and now i know that i can be friends with an ex and not always think they're assholes. but the issues in the relationship stay with me and i'm now wracked with insecurity in a way that i never was before. i shouldn't have tried to jump into anything directly after that. everyone needs time to heal and i'm no exception. in fact, i'm at the top of that list. but i still think the mutual intensity guy deserves an ass beating, i won't lie. i feel disrespected, misled, and lied to. but once we had that final talk, i was over it in about a day. all i needed was the talk. why is it so hard to talk to someone? i'll show you crazy. goddamn Z.
anyway i guess the moral of the story is that 15 good years of friendship means i'll cut you a lot of slack if things change. two weeks of acting like you're the perfect guy, followed by crazy accusations and ranting means you're an asshole.
i shouldn't blog late at night. early in the morning. i shouldn't. but i did. and i will.
i'm obsessed with mandy moore's song "can't you just adore her?" from her new album, "wild hope." she's touring soon but i can't see her because i'll be here when she's in california and in california when she's here. i'm upset, so youguys should see her for me. which reminds me, i need to get tickets for the used/army of me and motion city soundtrack.
share your relationship/friendship/crazy people/lovely people stories with me. tell me what shows you're going to soon; what music it is that you're in love with. you don't have to register for anything to comment. you can comment anonymously or click on..."other," i think? and then just type in your name. you can email me if you don't want to comment.
it's 5:45 in the fuckin' morning and i'm going to sleep. only four more days with my british love, rachel.
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9 comments:
youre fantastic.
ok so there are so many things i want to say. first.. whenever i read your blogs.. i always want to seem to cry.. not always because they are sad but true and meaningful. they are exactly how i feel but can't seem to express in words. it's like your are meant to be here for all of us.
share your relationship/friendship/crazy people/lovely people stories with me. i always feel comfortable telling you how i feel or what has happened. even if it doesn't make sense because you make sense of it. i used to bottle things inside of me. i would never tell people how i really felt. i would never utter a sound of anger or resentment. but you told me a long time ago... actually.. at my old apartment in grandview (when i lived with those crazy girls).. at my halloween party that if i don't say anything... tell people how i feel... hold a grudge.. keep it bottled in me... i will only hurt myself. because those people that i am upset with.. they don't know, they just keep living as if everything is fine. and of course your advice makes sense, but i needed someone to tell me that. and you did that for me sarah. wow... i have rambled off. ok, just two more things. can i get the new mandi moore cd and also, i don't want rachel to go. i feel like she should always be here? shouldn't she, isn't it the right thing? i am sad she is leaving but also i know i will see her again. we always make things happen, right?
i love you.
The blog and comments make me wanna cry too. But only in the good way, even if it's a sad way too. Sometimes sad can be good.
I'm looking forward to coming to this page as a constant source of Sarah when I'm back home, so you make sure you update as often as possible, you hear?
I think all you need for good advice is a clear idea of the situation, an outsiders view, and an idea of human behaviour. All of which you usually have. I've been told I'm good at advice about things I have no real personal experience of, and yet I usually know the right way to go about it. Don't sell yourself short!
I'm pretty sure the more you write here, the more comfort you're going to bring to others and yourself. So keep going.
Oh, and I find that most of my writing is done late at night/early morning. Because my brain feels crazy haha. And you're right about that damn zzzz.
You are good at advice Sarah, or at least giving a good outsiders rational perspective which is usually what someone needs when they are looking for advice.
And yay Army of Me. I'm still sad I won't be with them and won't get to see you a few times because of it.
perfect.
genuis, as always. you're an amazing writer, and I'm glad you decided to do this blog.
I feel the same way about my best friend. Busy lives and eight hundred miles will never weaken our friendship, however seldom we may talk.
You don't write often enough. I expect to see a new entry at least every day. OK?
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