Friday, August 31, 2007

25 going on 5

i've been coloring a lot lately. when my friend rachel was here visiting from england, i bought a big box of crayons with a built-in sharpener on a whim and it was awesome. there are bits of crayon everywhere; in my keyboard, on my hands, and sometimes i find it in my hair. but they need to make the crayons stronger because i've broken like a third of them in half already. i draw stupid things that suck, but it's just so fun to press down and create all of that color.

speaking of art (and i use that word loosely - in my case, i mean), youguys should check this out. it's amazing.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

25 going on 13

i've never played spin the bottle. and i know other people my age who never have either. i think about it a lot and i don't really know why. maybe it's the idea of not having to initiate anything; not having to assume, but just doing what the game tells you. the rules are simple: the bottle points to him, kiss him. the bottle points to her, kiss her. it's like a test drive. it doesn't cost anything (i don't mean like a prostitute, but you know, emotionally. okay i just fucked up the metaphor), and you get to go car to car without having to commit. yes, i'm still just talking about kissing. i may have gotten a little ahead of myself, yeah, yeah.

anyway um...what? oh, right. so then i'm 25, right? and yeah i still think about spin the bottle and i still want to play it for the first time. but lately i've been thinking a lot about speed dating. you know, like in "the 40 year old virgin"? you go from table to table for like five minutes or whatever and talk to different people and see if there seems to be any kind of connection there. i just think it's interesting. how much can you learn about a person in that time? i guess it depends on who you are and what they're willing to reveal. personally i could learn a lot about a person in five minutes if they were game. i would hope they'd be game if they're actually at fucking speed dating. that would be lame otherwise. does it cost money? it must cost money.

when i'm first getting to know someone, i like to ask lots of random questions. they don't have to be particularly deep or thoughtful or...anything. just things like, what's your favorite color, cereal, when's your birthday, do you drink coke or pepsi...these things are handy to know later on. and the coke or pepsi answer says a lot about a person. and mountain dew people are their own breed.

i don't know where to find speed dating. i wonder what kinds of people actually do that. people like me, apparently. i wonder how many people there have played spin the bottle. maybe i'll add that question to my list.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

the 5,000 people you meet on the internet

hi there. again i wanted to remind everyone that you CAN comment here without having to register for anything, because some people are still asking me about that. you can comment anonymously by checking "anonymous," or you can just check "other" and then type in your name. or your nickname, or your stripper name, or whatever your heart desires.

my myspace account was "phished" tonight. if you don't know what that means, it means that (apparently, though i don't understand how) someone else has gotten a hold of your email address and password and myspace has somehow caught that it wasn't you (how, i have absolutely no idea, because i have often signed in on another computer while i was still signed in on mine and nothing ever happened) and blocked your account so you can't post bulletins or send messages or leave comments or anything. so then you have to click on the prompts to change your password and with that, your page is unblocked. okay. now i know that this happens to people fairly often (though i only started hearing about it recently), but i've had myspace for four and a half years and this was the first time it ever happened to me. personally i think it's some kind of weird myspace bullshit thing that has nothing to do with a third party "stealing" your password or whatever. but that aside, i'm angry. i had to change my password, after four fucking years. nonsense, i tell you. i don't like my privacy messed with in that way. well, in any way actually. who does, i guess.

i just needed to vent about that really. but then i started thinking about social networking sites. personally i think they're amazing. i know that i'm not talking about anything groundbreaking here and i really don't need to elaborate, so i'm not going to. it's just one of those things that i take for granted every day, like...electricity! you flip the switch and you have light. and it's actually amazing. think about it. and every single day i have access to people from all over the WORLD. i can find old friends, make new ones, find people with similar interests, ask people i don't know very well questions about different cities and events and shows and...WHATEVER, and i can keep in touch with my friends in different cities and states and countries. i can keep up with their lives without necessarily having to wonder why they haven't emailed me back today, or if it's a bad time to call...everyone is just...THERE. just sit there for a minute and think about that. think about the people you've met because of myspace (or facebook, or whatever). or even just "met." think about the people you may have totally lost touch with or have become closer to because of it. think of the people and the things you've discovered. i guess this post is more of a prelude to my post about "four eyed monsters" than anything. which reminds me, go watch. ;)

i'll write again soon...

Monday, August 27, 2007

find me a find, catch me a catch

first order of business: go to myspace.com/foureyedmonsters, click on "videos," and watch all three parts of the film (80 minutes total). and then please watch all of the filmmakers' podcasts, and then, if i haven't totally lost you by that point, check out their individual myspace pages (arin's and susan's). you have four days to do this. friday i plan to blog about it, and i want people to know what i'm talking about. so get to it. after this post, of course. :)

okay. so again, i was watching "confessions of a matchmaker." the woman featured didn't know how to flirt. or at least that's what patti (matchmaker) told her. i guess i agree, from what was shown. patti told her that she doesn't show enough signs to let people know that she likes them. so i started wondering about myself. patti's three main flirting tips were 1) be nice, 2) flip your hair, and 3) make physical contact (touch the other person's hand or arm or whatever). obviously she was just giving her a place to start; they were just tips, they weren't set in stone. i don't really consciously flirt. i guess some people do but i would assume that most people...don't. sometimes i worry that i was too flirtatious with someone i shouldn't have been, or that i wasn't flirtatious enough with someone i was really into. i wonder if the other person even noticed, or if he cared. or if HE was flirting with ME. i don't know. i don't know, i don't know, i don't know. okay and here's something else i'd like to discuss...

guys with lots of chick friends. i meet a lot of guys who have lots of chick friends. i think it's great. i think it's great when guys and girls can just be friends. but i don't quite understand it, because i don't really have...ANY guy friends. i mean, i have a few, but none of them are good friends (except for my ex-boyfriend) and i rarely see them (and that includes the ex-boyfriend) because...i don't know, i just don't relate well to most guys. i don't get them; they don't get me. so sometimes i can't tell if a guy is into me, or if i'm just another chick friend. i think guys and girls, or girls and girls, or guys and guys, depending on the preference, are naturally a little flirtatious even if they're not *interested*. and i'll go a step further even and say that guys and girls in general are often that way, despite sexual preference. i've noticed it a lot. i've been in those situations a lot. so how do i know if someone likes me unless they tell me? i guess i don't for sure. i can always take the risk and put myself out there, of course, and i never had a problem doing that before. but recently i've been involved in so many bad...things, that i have discovered a level of insecurity in myself that i never even knew i had. i'm afraid to sabotage things, to say too much too soon, to NOT play the game. guys say they hate games, but when you don't play them, they seem to have a habit of disappearing or freaking out, even (especially?) when that's the last thing they say they'd ever do.

...i don't have an answer.

i thought i read people well, but maybe i don't. or maybe i do, but we're all just too different, or confused, or too afraid of rejection. they have websites where you can send anonymous messages to people via email to let them know that they have a secret admirer. that person then guesses who it is or sends out a response to who they want it to be, and if you have a "match," then you're both informed and you can go from there. i think that speaks volumes. tell me if you don't agree.

unconditional love

i don't know if anyone watches "confessions of a matchmaker," but i do from time to time and last week there was a woman featured who owned lots of birds, cats, and sugargliders (is that one word or two?). patti (the matchmaker) accused her of creating a "surrogate family" with these animals because she had so often been let down in relationships, and said that she was filling a void with them. the woman admitted that this was, most likely, the case. now i'm not crazy; i recognize that in extreme cases this could absolutely be a problem, but it's just true that animals love you in a way in which people are simply not capable, save for maybe your mother. depending upon how you look at it i guess. they're always there, unconditionally. they don't judge you, they cuddle you and lick you when you're sad, and most importantly, they don't speak. they just listen. and some of them listen very attentively. call me a cat lady if you wish (though "dog lady" would actually be more appropriate), but i know that the love of a pet is a very special thing, and it's something that you can count on. i've always liked animals more than people.

my cat rusty used to love it when i sang to him. i would play music and it made him happy. when i cried and told him about my problems, i swear to god he understood. just talking while having him near me always gave me a better sense of clarity. and every pet i've ever owned (well, dogs and cats at least) has been able to sense when i'm in a sad mood and they've always comforted me. i don't have to ask, and even when i do, they don't expect anything in return. i'm not saying that humans aren't capable of unconditional love, but think about that concept for a minute. UNCONDITIONAL love. loving someone without any conditions at all. despite anything they've said or done. that's not an easy thing to do.

i can think of a handful of people who love me in that way, for sure. the more people i meet and the more i'm disappointed in life, the more grateful i am for those people, and for my pets. maybe my dog doesn't have the capacity to love me as deeply as another human being does, but she will love me and cuddle me until the day she dies. you can call that sad, you can call it pathetic, you can call it cynical and strange. but it's true. i look around these days and every day i have one less person or thing that i can count on. so i appreciate every creature on this earth that gives me a little more time and a little more faith, because god knows i need it.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

waffles buttercup cookie



my beautiful and lovely friend kaitlyn made the above banner. i know it's not clickable here but i'm kinda html retarded and i just included it in a bulletin on myspace and it is clickable there. so.

thank you kaitlyn. i was picky about it and i made her redo things about ten times, and i promised her in the end that i would write an entry about her in exchange for her time, effort, and creativity. so here goes.

i met kaitlyn in february of 2004 at a
sugarcult show in cleveland, a day before my birthday. my bff laura knew her from the sugarcult message board. i wouldn't say we clicked that night, but we all got together again a couple of months later and ever since then, she and i have been good friends. she is sweet, funny, huggable, and she's always there to listen. she hugs me when i cry, she's ridiculously understanding, and she has the best dogs ever in the world other than mine. she is one of those people i feel like i've known forever, and i love her very much. go to her myspace and leave her some love for helping me promote my blog and for being an awesome person. :)

new blog soon; i've got a whole list of topics...

Friday, August 24, 2007

save yourself, then save the world

i just don't want to be unhappy. those words kept repeating through my head earlier as i was watching fucking "elizabethtown" for like the fourth time. i don't even like that movie. i just don't want to be unhappy.

movies are awesome. things happen in movies that never happen in real life. and when they do happen in real life, they're usually (in my case, always) too good to be true. i am a child, a teenager, and an adult of television and movies. of mtv and hollywood. of US weekly magazine, access hollywood, and american idol. i am idealistic. i am, in a word, a dreamer. okay that's two words. dreamer was supposed to be the word. and sometimes i feel like the only one.

i search for what i've done wrong. i listen and i love. i change negative behaviors, or at least i try. there's a thick line, in most cases, between being yourself and being who you want to be. i've been living for the future for so long, waiting for life to begin, that sometimes i don't know who i am right now. maybe it's not something to search for. maybe that's a job for other people. maybe i should stop trying so hard and just let them do their job.

what i want in life is to help people. to connect with them. who am i? i'm a fan. i'm a fan of music and writing. other people's experiences and creativity inspire me. i want to be that person for other people, i always have. i think that most people feel that way. i just like to think that i'm one of the lucky ones who knows which path i want to take in order to achieve that. but fear is a powerful, powerful thing.

i sabotage myself every day. i sabotage relationships, potential relationships, job opportunities...even chances at being just a little happier for today. why? fear. fear of failure. failure isn't failure if you don't really try. that's the way it feels anyway. but that's complete bullshit. not trying? that's the fastest and lamest way to lose. "little miss sunshine" taught me that.

so why do i so often allow fear to control me? i've lost people. i can't stand the idea of losing any more. i want things. i can't stand the idea of being knocked down. and so i live in purgatory. but really it's my own personal hell that i've created. i hate fall and i hate spring. they're the transition seasons. i'm an all or nothing sort of girl and thus far, this has not served me well in life for the most part.

there's no quick wrap-up here; i could say so many things, like, "but now things are going to change" or "i'm tired of being afraid and i'm going to live life to the fullest from now on," but the truth is, tomorrow is another day, just like any other. it's another opportunity and i'll try to take it as such. my bed is way too comfortable. sometimes i think that is my biggest problem in life.

talk to me.

new blog soon

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

being drunk IS an excuse

...i know most people don't agree with that. or at least that seems to be the case. but i can tell you from experience that i've certainly done some things while intoxicated that i would never do sober. not that i've done anything too crazy or particularly dangerous, because i'm just not that sort of person (sorry), but there is one incident at least that i can think of off the top of my head that NEVER would have happened had alcohol not been involved. i absolutely assure you. i don't even remember half of it or how it started, and i regret it to this day. and this is why everyone gets one chance with me.

now, too far is too far, so i'm not saying that i would necessarily take anyone back after certain incidents just because they'd been drunk. i'm just saying that i understand, and it's not a black and white issue to me. so when someone fucks up and gives the "excuse" that they were drunk and i hear the other party involved retort, "being drunk is no excuse!"...i just can't say that i agree. i put excuse in quotes because there's a difference between excuses and reasons. and i believe that that's a reason. it may be a lame one, it may suck really, really hard, but i truly believe that it is, in many cases, a legitimate reason. when i was younger, everything to me was black and white. now i look around and all i see is gray.

what's my point...well, i guess it's that you should listen to people. every situation is different. you may need to break up with someone because they cheated on you and that's not something you'll ever be able to get over, and you should, because everyone should follow their own morals. but judging someone is an entirely different thing. as joan cusack said to the older boy who tried to statutory rape her niece in "raising helen": "you're not a bad person. this is just very, very bad behavior."

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

can you hear me now? i love you.




















this is my phone. i have a very close relationship with my phone. most people don't understand it. they don't really think about cell phones or care too much. but i had some cell phone drama. enough cell phone drama that i was determined that, the next time, i was going to have a GOOD phone. i was going to know everything about my phone; its strengths, its weaknesses, its features and capabilities. so i started to research cell phones on the verizon site and other sites like phonescoop.com and i quickly became obsessed. eventually i ended up with the lgvx5200, which was a decent, solid step up from my previous samsung, but it was by no means fancy. so i continued to obsess. i had the lgvx9800 (the "V") for one day, but at the time i didn't feel that i needed it and it was too bulky for me considering i'd always had small flip phones before, so i took it back the next day and got the 5200. anyway, as i was saying, the obsession continued. one day on a whim, while i was in a verizon store, i asked an employee if there was a newer model of the V coming out anytime soon. he informed me that, in fact, there was - the enV. i NEEDED this phone. long story short, once it came out last december, i stared at it online every day until my mom got it for me as a christmas present. i still love cell phones, but i don't obsess over them anymore. now i have found what i was looking for.

why am i talking about my cell phone? because i love it. why do i love it? it's on me 24/7. it's my connection to everyone. it has many features, and no one feature suffers for the sake of another. it's a good phone and it's a good tiny internet device as well. awesome for texting. great speakerphone. amazing camera. i have to look at, touch, and use this thing a hundred times a day. i need to be satisfied with it.

without my cell phone, i feel lost and a little scared. i would leave the house without money, my driver's license, and my keys before i would leave without my cell phone. my logic? if i need any of those things, i can always call someone to bring them to me. i can reply to important emails from the grocery store. i can talk to my best friends for four hours straight because the battery is that good. that's important to me because most of them don't live here and i don't see them often. my phone is close to my heart because it connects me to the people i love.

all of the pictures i took this summer while rachel was here are on my phone. if i'm bored in a doctor's waiting room? tetris. and...okay, i have a bit of a problem when it comes to ringtone purchases but i think it's under control now. i think 23's a good number, don't you?

i love technology.

p.s: fuck the iphone.

Monday, August 20, 2007

waiting on the world to change

i'll write something new soon, but right now i want to share with youguys a post from one of my myspace blogs last month. if you've already read it, i'm sorry, but i re-read it last night and decided that it was something i wanted to post here.

...

one of the best things i've ever read is something that margaret cho said: "life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think." i think it sums up life pretty accurately. unfortunately it's not really that simple. how many people do you know who only feel and don't think? and vice versa? i like to focus on the second part, but when it comes down to it, i love hard, i feel pain very deeply, and most of the time i can't seem to let my brain make my decisions for me. i know that i'm lucky because i can find the humor in situations more often than the average person i think, but we're not talking 50/50 here. i think back on when i was very depressed and i went through a fairly significant numb stage. sometimes i need to remind myself of that because hands down it was the scariest feeling ever. i didn't cry, but i also didn't laugh. i was just empty. it's ironic that now i'm constantly searching for ways to numb everything. i have this liquid lidocaine that was prescribed to me by my doctor the last time i had a serious sore throat but no actual infection. it didn't do anything because i was supposed to gargle with it and it just stayed in my mouth and numbed my tongue. i gave up on it pretty quickly. but now i use it for canker sores because it does a better job than throat spray at least. sometimes i look at the bottle and i wish i could fill the bathtub with it; that i could submerse myself in it and not feel a thing on the outside, and maybe it would seep into my brain or something, i don't know.

i think as life goes on, you learn to laugh more. you learn that taking yourself too seriously will deprive you of so many good experiences, and life is full of so much bad that you just can't afford to miss those. unfortunately, for me at least, my brain learns these sorts of things much faster than my heart. my heart is slow on the uptake. i wish i could put myself into one category but i can't. that's why the best movies are the ones that make you laugh AND cry. i need the tears to remind myself that i'm alive and compassionate. and i need the laughs to remind myself that there is still so much more to look forward to.

people tell me that i'm strong but it certainly doesn't feel that way. they say that courage isn't the absence of fear, but moving forward in spite of it. or something like that. i don't know where my place is in all of that. i've moved forward when i've been forced, but i've also held myself back in many ways, in many cases for as long as i can get away with it. i'm still just trying to figure things out like everyone else.

in the meantime, i'm tired of being afraid. so many people in my life inspire me and i want to start focusing on that. but right now, RIGHT now...i'm going to go to sleep and dream of the ocean carrying me away. and when i wake up, i'll go to my psych appointment and tell him that i'm feeling disappointed and hurt, but hopeful. because somehow, no matter what happens, something inside of me always KNOWS that it's going to be okay and that big things are coming. so even on the days that i waste entirely, even on the nights that i cry myself to sleep, even on the mornings/afternoons that it's all i can do to force myself out of bed...i know that a better day is coming. and that's why i continue to bitch about my stupid problems. i have to get the poison out to leave room for the good stuff.

p.s: i've come to the conclusion that mermaid movies are, as a rule, AWESOME.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

getting to know me more

there's always the "about the author" section in novels. they mention a few things that the author has done, like a mini resume, and then end with something cutesy and semi-relevant to the story, like, "she lives happily in london with her husband, two dogs, and endless supply of stiletto heels." (i read a lot of chick lit.) i started to wonder what mine would say. maybe: "she resides in ohio with her mother and great aunt, where she watches a lot of tv and avoids real life for fear of failure." nice. i'm generally not very good at summing things up but...that pretty much does it. i like to kid myself a lot i guess but when i look at the big picture, dreams and plans aside, that is frighteningly accurate. and now i'm just depressed.

real life. real life can be lonely. i have one best friend in new york, one in california, and one in england. i said goodbye to new york bff two weeks ago, england two days ago, and california six months ago. fortunately i do see her again next month. and everyone should be where they want to be and where they need to be, pursuing the things they love and having the lives they want. and don't get me wrong - i do love to travel. but in a way, it just seems like so much wasted time. so much time without them. so much time not sharing experiences. so much time apart when life is so, so short.

but i know that mostly i think about these things and i feel this way because i'm not busy. i'm not satisfied. i'm not really happy, even though i am excited about the future. too much time to think is not always a good thing. and old friends are precious and irreplaceable. but new friends are fun. new friends are exciting. new friends are necessary. and new friends will become old friends if you let them. and if they don't, at least you had a good laugh and maybe even a shoulder to cry on during that one hard night.

okay so who saw "intervention"?

Friday, August 17, 2007

A, Z, and everything in between. and after.

i got a new keyboard. no more issues with my A and Z keys. it was water (pepsi) damage. that is all i'll say about that. except also that the guy at the apple store was totally judging me and i'm a bad computer mother even though i try really hard.

my friend rachel left today. she'd been visiting from england since the middle of last month. it's weird when you've been around someone that much and then they're just suddenly gone. well, not suddenly, i guess. i knew she'd be leaving and she packed her bags and i drove her to the airport and watched her walk toward the terminal until she was out of my sight, so it was expected. but you know what i mean. it's always weird. it's alright though, not that i don't miss her; it made me sad when i went into my room and saw pink dye from her hair on the pillow she'd been sleeping on, but i know we'll see each other again soon. and it will never stop. and she's starting a whole new chapter in her life by moving away for school next month and i'm going to really start focusing on some things, this blog included, so hopefully the next time we see each other we'll have more options and we'll both be...happier and farther along in life. smiley face.

i just want to say thank you to everyone who's been leaving comments and emailing me and adding me on myspace (i JUST made my profile private today so unfortunately you will have to add me now if you want to view it)! it's been nice hearing from all of you and talking to you. that's really what this is all about for me. and i know many of you have found me through my good friend arlan, so most of you have already read this if you're interested, BUT, just in case you haven't, she interviewed the band girl in a coma for suicidegirls.com and you should read it. oh, and direct quote from her: "if you know anyone that has a suicidegirls account, tell em to leave a comment on it. cause like...i don't want it to be 0. that would suck balls."

so i had less than three beers last night and by 9pm i was totally passed out on the livingroom floor of my friend jaz's apartment. i got up an hour later and came home but i never drink anymore so that's what happens i guess. i just get really tired. and my head hurts. and sometimes my stomach hurts. i swear my tolerance hasn't been this low since i first started drinking. but it's more than that now; it just makes me feel bad. but last night it was mostly tired.

i have to promote another friend now, and she is the brilliant terra naomi. she's got a new video out for her new single, "not sorry." you can view the video, see other videos, and read all about her in arlan's aol post HERE, and you can check her out on myspace here. though i imagine most of you have already done so. :)

i have so much to say all the time about all kinds of relationships and just human behavior in general, but i like other things too. one of those things is tv. i'm obsessed with "intervention." please tell me i'm not the only one. late tonight/early morning tomorrow i'm tivoing two episodes. the description for the first one is "daughter has two addictions and mother is bulimic." that is a lot in one show. i can't wait. now don't get me wrong - i don't get like some sick pleasure out of watching these people's misery, but a lot of the feelings they describe that lead to the addictions are things that i can relate to and the whole thing is really interesting to me; the way everyone interacts and the lengths people will go to and the things they're willing to give up. and i also love it when everything turns out well. it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. so really it's the best of both worlds. it could totally be the trashiest, like, guiltiest pleasure sort of thing ever, but i honestly think that the way it's done is usually pretty helpful and opens viewers' eyes to many things they wouldn't necessarily understand or be exposed to otherwise. anyway, if you like intervention, let's talk about it and tell me your favorite episodes and stuff.

frequent blogging will follow from here on out. stay tuned.

Monday, August 13, 2007

the truth is...i miss you

i'm not one to come to for advice anymore. i used to think that i was, but now i know that i'm not. i can give you my perspective from the outside and i can provide clarity and logic when needed, but really when it comes down to it, i'm just guessing like everyone else. what makes sense to your brain doesn't necessarily make sense to your heart. and even if it does, it doesn't mean you've got ANY control over anyone but yourself.

i feel like we haven't been properly introduced. hi. i'm sarah. i live and i learn, just like you; for some reason, i just feel the need to blog about it. not that everyone and their mom doesn't have a blog these days, but perhaps you don't and in that case, that is the only difference between us. the thing i love most in the world is singing. and i love writing. this blog is something i've been thinking about starting for years. i want to write so many things. i want to connect with people and i want to help people. i want to do that through music and writing, and this is just my first step. i'm often lonely and i don't want to be. i'm often alone and i do enjoy that. make of it what you will.

my A key seems to be working okay now but now my Z key is giving me problems. so that means i can blog right now, but i still may have to part with my computer for a period of time. i have an appointment at the genius bar in less than 15 hours. i'll most likely follow through. we'll see.

i have a friend i can't live without. no matter how long we go without speaking or seeing each other, she's just in my heart like no one else on earth. sometimes i don't understand the situation. sometimes i'm okay. sometimes all i need in life is to talk to her and then i know everything will be better. but it is what it is and this is one example of me not being the person to give advice anymore. it hurts when i'm not around her. time goes by in minutes, days, weeks, months, and years, and there is still a place in my heart labeled with her name and that never changes. it is my biggest source of emptiness other than my lack of creative outlet, but i'm working on that one.

there was a guy i dated who made me believe it could be different. made me believe we wanted the same things. thought he could kiss me hard and finish my sentences and spend hours talking to me as we interrupted each other because we both had so much to say even though we'd just met and then thought that i could just be chill about the whole thing, even though we bonded over our mutual intensity. or so i thought. but as much as i want to punch him in the face, i have to admit that he was the rebound guy. my last relationship had damaged me severely. it was a dream break-up; we talked and talked until i felt better and he was there for me just like he always said he would be and we're still friends and now i know that i can be friends with an ex and not always think they're assholes. but the issues in the relationship stay with me and i'm now wracked with insecurity in a way that i never was before. i shouldn't have tried to jump into anything directly after that. everyone needs time to heal and i'm no exception. in fact, i'm at the top of that list. but i still think the mutual intensity guy deserves an ass beating, i won't lie. i feel disrespected, misled, and lied to. but once we had that final talk, i was over it in about a day. all i needed was the talk. why is it so hard to talk to someone? i'll show you crazy. goddamn Z.

anyway i guess the moral of the story is that 15 good years of friendship means i'll cut you a lot of slack if things change. two weeks of acting like you're the perfect guy, followed by crazy accusations and ranting means you're an asshole.

i shouldn't blog late at night. early in the morning. i shouldn't. but i did. and i will.

i'm obsessed with mandy moore's song "can't you just adore her?" from her new album, "wild hope." she's touring soon but i can't see her because i'll be here when she's in california and in california when she's here. i'm upset, so youguys should see her for me. which reminds me, i need to get tickets for the used/army of me and motion city soundtrack.

share your relationship/friendship/crazy people/lovely people stories with me. tell me what shows you're going to soon; what music it is that you're in love with. you don't have to register for anything to comment. you can comment anonymously or click on..."other," i think? and then just type in your name. you can email me if you don't want to comment.

it's 5:45 in the fuckin' morning and i'm going to sleep. only four more days with my british love, rachel.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

no "A" in team

my A key doesn't really work; i have to pound it several times (3-8, approximately) to make the letter show up when i type. the ibook and i have an appointment at the apple store on monday night, so no blogging until at least tuesday. but i promise from then on, i will blog my heart out. thnk you.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

paint a perfect picture

youguys know this song "beautiful girls" by sean kingston? first of all, is sean kingston 14? because the way he looks confuses me. anyway, this song...my mom loves it (hi mommy!). she mentioned it to me one day recently and i didn't know what she was talking about but then i looked it up and realized i'd heard it on the radio a few times. he says "suicidal" in that song so much. it's all, "you're just too beautiful, girl, that's why it'll never work, you have me suicidal, suicidal..." i don't know what any of the other words are. it might make all the difference, i don't know. but basically what i get from this song is that the chick is way too hot for him so he can never REALLY have her and now he's gonna kill himself. when i think of the song all i can think is him going, "suuuuuiiicidal, suuuuuuiicidal," over and over again. it's depressing. and it romanticizes suicide. and then earlier today i saw his performance of that song on jimmy kimmel live from the other night and it wasn't so good and i don't know where i'm going with this except to say...the song is called "beautiful girls." and i want better than...THAT (sorry, mommy).

so on thursday i was a part of
this, but perhaps the most interesting thing that happened as we all huddled inside the tent screaming and freaking out while wind busted through screens and thunder broke the sky and rain and hail pounded down around us was me being pelted in the shoulder by half a lemon. speaking of throwing things, why do people feel the need to throw things at shows? especially, like, their own shoe, for instance? what are you doing? no, seriously, if you are one of those people, what are you doing? you can comment on these posts, you know. so comment and tell me what you're doing. take me through your entire thought process in a situation such as this.

and now, speaking of comments, thank you to everyone who has been leaving me feedback and who's been visiting this site. i appreciate it more than you know. i've been a little slow on getting started, i know, but i've been doing a lot lately and i have a good friend from merry old england in town (hi rachel!) so i have been preoccupied. but oh, the things to come. i tell you what.

speaking of SHOWS, i saw THE
ms. erykah badu in detroit last night. her final song was one of my favorite songs; one i'd never seen her do live before and never thought she would (even though she is quite unpredictable). it's called "green eyes." it sounds like three or four different songs all in one, and it goes through just about every emotion you go through after a break-up, from denial to anger to sadness and ultimately acceptance. you should probably hear it. or buy it from itunes if you have morals. or money. or both. what was i saying?

cohesive, this is not. that's difficult for me. i'm learning here. i'm learning.


fear breeds hatred breeds violence. listen. accept. love.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

don't hate the player

i was thinking that there's just no way to avoid the game. everyone says, "oh, i hate games," in terms of relationships but it's like...everybody does it. i think probably (maybe?) when it's really, really right, like when you're finally with the person you're truly meant to be with forever (if that happens), maybe there's no thought of the game because there's no time for thought because everything just falls into place and oh, what a wonderful thing that must be. but in the meantime, when do you call? how long do you wait? how much do you reveal? when do you know if he/she likes you as much as you like them? i mean people say shit all the time but it doesn't mean it's true. i learned that the hard way recently, once and for all. i don't really have any answers here but basically i've come to the conclusion that you either play the game or you don't date. that's just the way it goes. i hope someone proves me wrong soon.

i want to get into all of these things about love and how do you know when something's for real and if you end up easily getting over someone does it mean you didn't feel as intensely as you thought you did or just that you're getting older and more jaded or more accepting or more boring...but i don't have time. i'm off on a mini road trip with my british friend rachel today through friday. but i'll get to all of that, i promise. and i just want to thank everyone who's reading so far. i welcome your feedback as well. why are "good morning" and "good afternoon" basically considered greetings but "good night" is a farewell? maybe i'll just start saying "aloha." anyway it's afternoon and i leave you now, so good afternoon.

p.s: thank you to kaitlyn and arlan for the input on my blog title. and thanks to arlan for telling her friends and fans about me. i swear i have much more to say. just keep coming back. :)