Sunday, September 30, 2007

palm trees & powerlines

hey guys, short post because i'm stealing internet at arlan's (not arlan's internet but uh...somebody's) and my computer's about to die, but i just wanted to say thank you for continuing to read and comment even though i haven't been writing! i haven't really had a chance since i've been here. i leave to go home tomorrow night so i promise i'll be writing lots next week.

one more thing: our friend terra naomi is playing at hotel cafe in hollywood TONIGHT. if you live in the area at all, you should definitely come. she's temporarily home and then she's back to england indefinitely. so check her out while you have a chance!

Saturday, September 22, 2007

words of comfort

i leave for los angeles in five hours. i'm still washing clothes and packing, i still have to shower, i still have to sleep, and i only slept for three hours last night. I AM A MACHINE. no, no, i'm not at all. i can hardly even function on little sleep. i took about an hour nap earlier today and my friend jaz came over to pick me up for a quick shopping trip and she practically had to peel me off the bed. it is nearly impossible for me to get up. ever. at this point i realize that i will have to sleep for the entire flight. thank god it's direct.

there are many subjects i'm still very excited to blog about here but i don't have the brain energy for it right now. so instead, i will tell you what i'll be doing on my trip.

my mom and i are going together for her birthday. we're staying with my bff arlan. her mom's coming too. we are going to be so cute, us and our moms. we're going to attend talk show tapings, see our lovely friend terra naomi play at hotel cafe (september 30th; be there!), go to lots of restaurants, and personally i plan to spend as much time in the ocean as possible. i tried to look into parasailing but i couldn't find any good specific info on where to go and how to go about it in LA. i'm totally visiting high voltage tattoo ("LA ink"), whether or not i actually get tattooed. i must meet kat von d and see that shop.

i have nothing more for you right now, but
i'll try to write while i'm in california. i may not get a chance but i will try. i'll be home october 1st. have an awesoooome week and a half! happy fall (even though i hate it)!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

afk; bbs

this was meant to be posted last night but oh well.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

a million ways to break my heart

this post is interactive. i am writing purely to ask you, my readers, what you are interested in. what kinds of topics would you like to read about? do you have any questions for me? i want to know. i have a constantly growing list of topics, but i have to be in the mood; i have to be inspired. therefore i am always looking for more so that i have more to choose from. from which to choose. so if you've got any suggestions, or you just flat out feel like ranting, complaining, or singing the praises of anyone or anything, leave me comments and let's get a dialogue (and my brain) going!

your turn. :)

edit: oh and for your daily/weekly/whenever i feel like it dose of craigslist personal ad nonsense, i present the following to you, to which i



Sunday, September 16, 2007

0 to 60 in 3.5

i find a lot of comfort and freedom in the fact that if i want to buy a new box of crayons at 4am, i can just make the 30 second drive over to the grocery store and get them. that's not something that i did tonight, but just knowing that i could have made me feel better about my dwindling crayon collection. i'm going absolutely nowhere with this; i just wanted to share it with someone.

if youguys haven't taken the time to check out the links over there to the right, you really should. they are some damn good blogs and most of them are my friends. if by some chance you weren't referred here by arlan's blog, definitely check that out. she and i celebrate our 12th year of friendship this month! happy anniversary arlan! haha. i am SO old, youguys. so old. i know i'm really not, but i have a good amount of younger friends and they make me feel old. i thought hanging with the younger folk was supposed to keep you young. but no, i just feel old. old, old, old.

speaking of age and maturity and all that, i've been thinking about it a lot lately. in many ways i'm mature for my age, while in many, i am the opposite. it's really strange to realize. growing up i was the only child in my house, and my parents spoke to me and treated me like an adult, and other adults always said i was mature. sometimes it posed a problem at school, because even though i was rarely scolded there, when i was, it absolutely infuriated me because they were treating me like a child and i wasn't used to that. i still have an issue with authority. like if i go to a show or something and security talks to my friends and me in a way that i find demeaning, i never just do what they say. i always stay there and speak to them rationally and try to get them to look at me and realize that we're not high school kids trying to overstep boundaries or break rules. they usually don't look at me or listen. it stays with me for hours and sometimes even days. this is why i generally follow rules - not because i necessarily respect them, but because the idea of being spoken to in a way that suggests i'm some sort of child or nuisance upsets me SO much that i can't even bear to think about putting myself in that situation.

also, i love music. i've always loved music. i've always loved going to shows. but lately i don't go to as many, and i really don't travel for them as much. granted, money is an issue, and factor in the reality that i rarely have anyone to go with anymore, but also, it's usually not worth it for me. i mean there are certain bands and artists that i MUST see, and i love being at shows, but i don't like going just for the sake of going anymore. i don't like to stand around for hours just to see live music, whatever it may be. but some of my younger friends can do it so easily and often. damnit, it makes me feel old!

but see i got to a certain point, probably around the time that my father died (i was 17), now that i think about it, when i stopped being mature for my age. that's really only set in, in my mind, in the past couple of years. it was like i felt like i had this maturity beyond most kids my age for so long, and suddenly everything caught up. and now, at 25, i realize that not only was that the case, but i've actually regressed. i can't say exactly why. i'm sure it's a multitude of factors. my father died. my maternal grandparents and an aunt and uncle, all to whom i was close and helped raise me, died. all of them died within a few years of each other. suddenly i looked around and everything was different. i went from having a big family network to just me and my mom. i wasn't ready for that. i have other family, it's true, and even though i see most of them often, i'm not very close to most of them. i've suffered from depression for my entire life, and it got worse and worse as my family members got sick and died, and even worse afterwards when my everyday reality was so completely different. i guess maybe during all of this time that i spent going to funerals, crying, hiding out, trying to cope, and avoiding everything, everyone else matured. they went away to college. they dated more. they moved out. they learned how to take care of themselves in a way that i still haven't. i'm really good at taking care of other people, and i'm good with emotions, but i don't know the first thing about buying a car, getting things fixed, budgeting money, renting an apartment. in the last couple of years i've definitely learned the value of a dollar, but i couldn't begin to weigh in on whether or not [fill in the blank] is a reasonable price for a house. i can correct the spelling and grammar in a published novel or a resume all day long, but if you tell me it costs *this* much for my cat's shots, i have no idea if i'm being ripped off. going to bed early is not something that i can do, despite how tired i am or how early i need to get up. certain "immature" behavior really irritates me, even though i'd still rather go to toys r us than, say, bed bath and beyond. i don't take stupid risks; that's just not the person i am. i'm afraid of many things and i like to stay alive and not bleeding or arrested. in that way, i am responsible. but if a friend is thinking of taking tomorrow off work just because and asks me what they should do, more often than not my response is, "fuck yeah! let's go to the mall!" i want love, but i have no desire to settle down. i have friends who are getting married and having kids! i'm excited for them, and for being able to be a part of these things, but those things terrify me. not that i don't want kids; it's just that there's so much more i want to do first (everything), and the idea of being in a good relationship is much more appealing right now, especially considering i've never actually BEEN in a good relationship. i think that should probably happen before i start thinking about having children. and i don't think i'll ever have the desire to have kids before i'm with someone who i really love, because raising children on my own does not appeal to me at all. for me it's all about sharing it with someone. i don't know. it would be good to meet someone who really GETS me. that would be nice.

that was quite a rant, i'm sorry. and i certainly didn't tie it all together as well as i could have. but i think worrying about making sure these posts are all polished, sparkly, and tied up with ribbon is what has been keeping me from blogging more often. so from here on out, expect more honesty, more randomness, and less neat and tidy paragraphs. and expect another post soon.

Friday, September 14, 2007

lock me up & throw away the key

"maybe he just didn't like you that much." these words were spoken to me after i told someone a story of a breakup that happened seven years ago, which began with me being CHASED by a guy to whom i wasn't very attracted. eventually he won me over, and within a fairly short period of time, he decided to stop talking to me and then proceeded to act like nothing ever happened. i won't go into it here. but when i was telling the story recently, i did go into details. and that was the response that i got. it disturbed (angered, offended, hurt) me on many levels, but i think it mainly upset me because if you do know the whole story, that's not a very logical explanation of the way things turned out. if the intensity and relentlessness with which he pursued me translates into just not liking me that much, then what means that someone DOES? jesus. and i should also mention that this guy knew me for a year before the dating took place, so it's not like he had NO idea what he was getting himself into. but that response has been haunting me.

i was watching "john tucker must die" for the second time earlier, and there's a scene in the movie where john tucker tells the the girl he's falling for that he knows he comes off a bit strong sometimes, but he doesn't know how to do things any other way - he just does everything with his whole heart. the basic sentiment (despite the plot of the movie and the fact that, yes, i am talking about john tucker must die, starring brittany snow and ashanti) being that if he really likes someone, he sees no need to play games and he doesn't know how to hold in the way he feels. he talks and acts in big ways. it makes me think again about that stupid online quiz i took that told me that the reason i don't have a boyfriend is that i'm too forward. meanwhile, every guy i've ever known or known of has really liked it when girls take the initiative in dating. i don't want to sit here and analyze guys in general, because i know that everyone is different and i'll never really get an answer. i'm not even sure what the question is.

i leave you with this to ponder: why is it that when guys pursue girls it's considered romantic, yet when a girl does exactly the same thing she's labeled "crazy" or "desperate"?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


9/11 affected me greatly. i cried and had nightmares for two weeks. i was in the city two weeks before the attacks took place; we flew out of la guardia at the exact hour that the planes struck the buildings, exactly two tuesdays before. i had friends living there at the time. i still have friends living there. my next time visiting new york was four months later.

i was lucky enough not to lose anyone. if you did, i am so sorry. i can't believe it was six years ago. think about it, because it's important. look around at the world right now. six years ago on this day, we were all united. that lasted longer than a day, but not forgetting isn't the same thing as holding onto the feeling. maybe not all the time, because life must go on. but just for today, close your eyes and feel it again.

new post soon.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

earth girls

i was just watching "sex and the city" on hbo on demand. i'm still trying to figure out which character i'm most like. i don't know why i find this so necessary but for some reason i do. i'm the kind of person who likes to have answers to things, and for things; to know where i stand, and what's likely to happen. i don't like it. for as much as i don't like to label things, especially myself, this sort of attitude lends itself to...well, nothing but labels. i've never claimed not to be a hypocrite.

well, let's take a look at the ladies in question:

samantha. i'm not a bit like samantha. in fact, i still think she's just a soulless slut, despite my friend rachel's insistence that she changes her ways in the end (i still haven't seen the entire series so don't ruin it for me!).

miranda. i'm a little like miranda, i guess. let's see, she's usually alone, pessimistic, and often wears unflattering clothing. okay maybe i'm not much like miranda.

charlotte. i would NEVER have dated anyone like tre. i don't dress like her. i'm not as naive and i'm not as proper. but she's sweet, and she's optimistic. so i think i'm a little like charlotte.

carrie. according to my grandfather, i look like sarah jessica parker. i don't know why he watched sex and the city, but he made a point of letting me know that. interesting, for a (75 year old) man of few words. anyway, carrie. she writes. i write. the other characters are fairly extreme (if that even makes sense), whereas she's relatively...normal, for lack of a better word. i should probably stop saying "for lack of a better word." get a thesaurus! i said to...myself. um. i'm just stomping that normal idea right into the ground, am i not? yeah. she's usually in a relationship, or at least dating someone. up until recently i can't say that was me. she analyzes everything. i used to think that i was mostly carrie with a touch of charlotte until i saw the episodes where she was so emotionally closed off and couldn't let aidan in, and not me. i'm nothing if not open. i have "committed" written across my face. you know, in the good way. so at that point, i decided that i was nothing like carrie. but the episode i just watched was focused mainly on carrie's newfound cynicism. don't get me wrong - i consider myself an optimist to the umph degree; despite everything, i always believe that situations will turn out alright and that big and wonderful things await me. but once you've been burned, really burned, and you've been knocked down a few times? you tend to do a double take more than once in a while. so, in short, i still don't have a sex and the city label. but that's not the point of any of this.

in that same episode, carrie and charlotte go to an affirmation seminar, run by a woman who promises that if you do the things she says, you will find love. she says if you repeat certain affirmations with which she provides you, it will happen. she says, "love will come to you only when you truly believe you deserve it." i think that's true. it's easy to look around and see that it's true. but the thing is...i believe that i deserve it. i've always believed that i've deserved it. i've got issues and things to work on just like anybody else (read: i go to therapy), but i love myself and i know what i'm worth. i also know what i'm capable of. so where is the love? what is it waiting for exactly? better question: why do i want it so badly?

i don't know if i believe that there is only one person out there for everyone. i think i believe in soulmates, but not necessarily in the romantic sense. i just wonder why something so difficult and rare to find is something we need so much. i wonder why we hurt each other so much. i wonder why there are so many love songs and why...there are none about me. hmph.

and with that, i present to you the following ad from the craigslist personals:

Do not have time to date... - 27

Looking for a female partner, Do not really have time to date, possibly lookin for someone to move in if the vibe is good and do partner type things. Has to do well with children and someone that is neat. I will explain later more into detail. Please submit picture as I will send you one back.

You may not be disappointed. I am 6'3, lean, and have a reserved humorous personality...

...okay. so at 27, he's already run out of time to date and is looking for someone to move in? to just launch into a relationship? and don't forget, she must be neat and good with children. sounds like he's looking for a dog, not a girlfriend. but my personal judgment aside, on the one hand, i envy him. he's THAT ready to just...skip everything, go off of an initial vibe, and just BE with someone. on the other, it's like...has it already become that much of a chore? at 27? a nice vibe is reason enough to move in with someone and stop looking? that makes me depressed, kids or not. it makes me realize how difficult it can be and how desperate so many of us are. at the same time, it reminds me of john cusack's marriage proposal to laura in "high fidelity," followed by a rant about fantasy girls and that none of that is real and his proclamation: "i'm just tired of thinking about it."

you know how they say that instead of always wanting what you can't have, you should focus on wanting what you do have? well, i don't know. maybe it really is that simple.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

let it marinate

sometimes i go to craigslist and i look through the personals, mostly for entertainment. sometimes i message people, for different reasons, but it's mostly just something i do for fun. (and i know i'm not the only one who has a small wish in the back of her head that i am, in fact, the beautiful brunette from the grocery store who inspired that particular missed connections ad.) sooo i was there just now, and i came across this one:

ok so here it is...
I am single and I am very busy
... and I am lonely
don't have time for the full on relationship,
I need someone to talk to and snuggle,
spend some free time with, laugh and have fun...
no pressure or dramma,
sounds good right?,
if you are sexy, ambitious, fun loving, easy going,
creative, intelligent, open minded, kind of odd,
not ghetto, hillbilly or psycho,
please email me.

okay. my first thought upon reading this was, "no time for a 'full on' relationship? so he just wants someone he can use?" but i kept an open mind and i reminded myself that, despite what i personally want for myself, this might be the perfect situation for a certain girl and there's nothing wrong with just wanting someone to cuddle with and talk to, right? no major commitment. okay. i can get down with that. well, not me personally, but...her...or you, maybe! or...someone. then i finished reading the ad and it occurred to me that that is quite a lot of criteria considering he doesn't want a...well, full on relationship. more power to him, i suppose, but you can't always have your cake and eat it too. speaking of which, how stupid is that expression? what the hell are you supposed to do with cake if you don't eat it? i say we change that expression. suggestions welcome.

anyway, the feminist side of me (which, let's admit, is...all of me) gets pretty offended reading something like that. i just want to jump up and defensively shout, "so you assume all women are dramatic? so you just want some vacant, emotionless whore who will come running every time you call, to whom you have no responsibility?" but again, i have to put things into perspective. this kind of thing is just difficult for me to understand.

but really, i don't think it's the nature of the type of relationship he seeks that really hit a nerve with me. i think it's the fact that he said he's "too busy" for a complete (for lack of a better word) relationship. it's one thing to want to keep things light and fun because you just want some action or companionship and you're not in the right mindset to deal with the heavier stuff, but i really think it's another to simply be too busy. i don't know. i mean, when does that end? and if you're really too busy to make time for that sort of thing in your life, maybe you should wait until you're...not. i guess what i'm basically saying is that it sounds like a cop out to me. your lame reasoning for not giving the other person all of the things that they need and deserve.

and now i return to my viewing of "kissing jessica stein" on the oxygen network.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

all you must hold onto is you

okay, i know i've been seriously neglecting youguys. it's partially because i was putting off the "four eyed monsters" post because i wasn't inspired, and partially because i haven't been feeling well. but for now, i'm just going to put off the four eyed monsters thing until i feel up to writing about it (i think i may need to watch it again) and just get back to writing regularly. and so here we are.

i took a silly online quiz recently entitled "why don't i have a boyfriend?" a friend of mine took it also. her answer was that she was too shy; mine, that i'm too forward. HA. okay then. i'm trying to learn from that but i'm not really sure what to take away from it. i prefer being upfront about things; open and honest. but that tends to scare guys away. i guess i'm too intense, but the thing is, i honestly feel like they think i expect more immediately than i really do. just because i'm telling you that i like you doesn't mean that i expect the world. i'm just being...well, honest. you don't have to be on my level, and you don't have to be afraid. just accept it for what it is and unless i repulse you, let's just see what happens. that's the way i see it. i guess i just need to figure out a way to relay that message a little better.

really the only thing that you can do is put yourself out there, say what you mean, and see how things go. see how the other person responds. there's no sense in not trying at all because you'll always wonder, "what if?" also, you're GOING to be rejected sometimes. might as well get used to it and not let every little thing break you down. and i learned recently that although learning from your past and your mistakes is very important, it's equally, if not more important, not to drag all of your baggage into each relationship or potential relationship. don't punish that person for things others have done - it's not fair. that may seem obvious but it's much easier said than done. if you're not able to maintain a certain level of naivete, i think you're doomed. jaded is no way to be when it comes to relationships of any kind because the other person is only going to try so hard until they just get tired of your constant eye rolling and bitching. it's not like the movies - most people are not going to chase you until you realize how amazing they are and fall into their arms and you both live happily ever after. and even if they do chase you well beyond the point that they should and you DO fall? chances are they're going to end up dropping you in the end because they were only about the chase. so you might as well just be yourself from the beginning and give things a chance. i know that was a little contradictory but that's life, i guess.

the moral of the story is this: live and learn, but don't limit yourself. don't count people out, and don't stop trying. know that you're worth it, and if you get knocked down, dust yourself off and try again, you can dust it off and try again...try again. /aaliyah

thanks for continuing to read, youguys, and for all of the comments and messages and myspace adds. i really appreciate it. thank you. i love getting to know you and i hope you'll continue to reach out to me. AND, if you have any suggestions regarding what i should write about, don't hesitate to let me know! anything you'd like to hear my take on, or whatever, tell me and i'll add it to the list. there's an actual list.

p.s: i could watch the movie "just friends" on loop all day, every day. ryan reynolds and anna faris are good for the soul.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

"are you greek?"

i'm going to the greek festival in a couple of hours. i'm going with some friends and a couple of our moms (including my own). mainly we eat, and then we pretend to shop, try to enjoy the dancing, and then we leave. personally all i can think about right now is rice pudding.

a few years ago i went to dinner at a chinese restaurant with my friend and the host asked me if i was greek. out of nowhere. i told him no, that i was actually italian. he went on to tell me that i looked greek, and i could be greek, and his fixation on it was just really strange. remember, this was a chinese restaurant, not a greek restaurant. so now i wonder, when i go to the greek festival, do they think that i'm one of them? i just wonder. that's all.

anyway i'll blog about "four eyed monsters" tonight when i get home so you have one last chance to check it out (i really mean it this time)...

Saturday, September 1, 2007

i swear, i'm generally an optimist

i know i said i was going to post about "four eyed monsters," and i will. i just haven't had a chance yet. i will write a new blog SOON, i promise! but for now, you have one last chance to check it out before you have no idea what i'm talking about so go! :)

p.s: to quote enid from the fabulous ghost world:
"i think only stupid people have good relationships."
ugh. life sometimes.