Friday, February 29, 2008


i love it.

yeah, guess who? ANNA CHLUMSKY. MY GIRL. can you believe that? i couldn't. that's why i took a picture.

scarlett johansson looking exactly like gwen stefani.


i'm suddenly TOTALLY into this show. anybody else?

the real housewives of orange county is (was?) one of my favorite shows/guilty pleasures, so i'm totally psyched about this. i am lame. and awesome.

this was in...i think us magazine, and she's supposed to look bad, or ridiculous or something. but uh, is it just me, or does she look hot? and just...good? maybe i'm insane.

when did ashley become the dark, slutty one? seriously. but j/k. i love the olsens. i think they're smart, talented, gorgeous, funny (mary-kate is, at least), mature, and also i wear their perfume. good stuff.

i read recently that natalie portman said something about wanting to just grab scarlett johansson's breasts because they're so "lovely," or something. look at the way she's looking at her, and clutching her waist for that matter.


i just think these dresses are really pretty. yay flowers.

something more substantial coming soon...

Thursday, February 28, 2008

there was a time i didn't have you around

i just watched an episode of dawson's creek in which that henry kid wants jen but she rejects him because she's not ready to be with anybody yet, and she feels like he's too young and inexperienced to understand her. he tells her that he's in love with her and she says that he can't be because he doesn't even know her. he's 15 and she's...17 or almost 17 or something. they're almost two years apart, i think they said. anyway she says that a lot will happen in that time; his heart will swell and break a thousand times. when she tells him that she can't be with him, he tells her that that was heartbreak number one.

it made me start to wonder, how many times CAN a person's heart "swell and break" before they just can't do it anymore? i think it depends on the person. i haven't been in many relationships and i feel like i've lived 10 lives already. like i've been ripped apart and stomped on and i've had to sew myself back together, bit by bit, more times than you could ever repair a broken zipper or a ripped dress before it just falls apart entirely. you can only save something so many times. i pay $80 for a pair of jeans; they last me four or five years. i pay $8 for a tshirt and it tears the first time i come within six inches of a cat's claw. i'm not saying that you get what you pay for, though i do believe that too. i'm saying that more work went into those jeans. they were stronger and made to last. you can climb trees and spill paint and it takes years for any holes to form and the stains always come out. the shirt needed gentler treatment to last half as long. at the same time, you may go through those shirts twice, or three times, as quickly, which kind of fucks up my whole analogy because my point is that not everyone bounces back easily. some people need to go through their fair share of people and experiences before they can relax and be happy, or be with someone who deserves them. and they can deal with that; maybe they even like it. others can't handle as much and so they're pickier. they have to be, to avoid the pain.

just a thought.

Monday, February 25, 2008

i am the creature in this story

the best thing about getting older is that you don't care as much. some may argue that it's actually the worst thing, and when i was younger, i would have too. and in general, i do think that it's a bad thing. but for someone like me, who thinks too much and feels too much and gets so worked up, it's a good thing. i never want to lose my passion, but losing a bit of passion, if that does occur, for someone like me, is a small price to pay for the calmness that's begun to come over me as the years, the months, even the days, pass. you learn to see the gray areas as opposed to the black and white. you start to realize that you need to pick your battles and you learn what's worth it to you and what is not. you stop trying to fix everything and you learn to just roll with it, a little bit more. that is, if you're lucky.

if you're even luckier, you find someone good to be with. someone who treats you well and makes you laugh and smile. someone you're not afraid to be yourself around. someone who helps you feel stable and important, and who allows you to give of yourself the things that others didn't care to accept. someone who loves you both calmly AND passionately. someone who forces you to look inside yourself and see you for who you really are without causing you to get angry, all the while still knowing that they love you.

being human is hard. but it's worth it when your heart is not alone.

Friday, February 22, 2008

what color is "old"?

i recently had to edit my "about me" profile thing (see right) to update my age. i'm officially on the other side of 25. i'm going to be 30. i didn't always think that i would be 30. but it looks like i am going to be 30. 30. 30, 30, 30. three decades of life. 30, when it all starts to go downhill. my boyfriend's been very supportive. for the few months leading up to my birthday he always made sure to find a reason to talk about how difficult turning 26 was for him. mmm. people show their love in all sorts of ways.

a lot of people, most of them older than i am, roll their eyes when i say anything about it. but it's not about getting older, really. it's not that i think 26 is OLD. it's just that certain ages slap you with a new reality: at 18, i was technically an adult. it felt scary to me, and i had a freakout. 19 was fine, so was 20, 21, and 22. when i hit 23, i was no longer "college age." i couldn't pretend to just be figuring things out anymore; at least that's how it seemed in my head. that was weird. 25 was alright. i'd survived 23 and 24 and it didn't feel much different. i was right there between 20 and 30; no closer to one than the other. but then i turned 26, and now it feels like i'm on this fast track to everything. like i'm on one of those people movers at the airport and it has no end and i can't jump over the side. 26 feels strange.

something i love: crystal light peach tea on the go packets. you just put them in your bottled water and shake. 10 calories per packet. it's delicious.

something i don't love: roseart markers. they SUCK. crayola is better.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

lack of imagination

so i had this idea late last night when i was reading cosmo. i took pictures of certain things in the magazine that i wanted to comment on, and i thought that i would post them here. not too groundbreaking; here we go.

...really? i can't that sucks. like, if it's your brother or something, it's totally disturbing - more so probably - but i think there is something about the dynamics between siblings that would allow it to be less awkward and more like "EW! OMG GO AWAY!" as opposed to, " is going to be weeeird."

those are payless shoes! pretty cute. yeah that's all.

oh, this is just for arlan.

right. wellll, let's just see what this is meant to lead to...

i really don't like monkeys. so.

(i do this all the time. i'm sorry.)

i don't know if you can read that. i was using my camera phone and dealing with both glare and shadows. and yes, those are my feet. but...interesting. thoughts?

more soon...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

i couldn't love you any better

i haven't posted in over a month. i am so sorry. please stop yelling at me. no, keep yelling at me. i like it. anyway this post may be a bit rambly and schizo so i apologize in advance if that turns out to be the case. i've got to get back on the wagon? no, not wagon. that has negative connotations. horse is better. blog...legs? well, never mind. we'll work this out together.

i hope everyone had a lovely valentine's day. mine was fantastic; the best ever. i was sick and i couldn't talk for most of it but it was still the best valentine's day i've ever had and, dare i say, one of the best days of my life, actually. so everyone thank my incredible boyfriend for making me a happy, happy girl and being one of my biggest blogging inspirations.

i'm learning a lot lately. in the wake of a lot of my own mental and emotional issues, i'm learning a lot of things about myself. i'm learning that i'm even more fucked up than i thought. i didn't know that was possible! well, i'm not shaving my head and going to rite aid at 4am every day with members of the paparrazzi, but everyone's got different standards, i suppose.

think about the people in your life who you KNOW love you unconditionally. now think of some of the other people in your life who don't necessarily fall into this category: you're sometimes, or maybe even often, afraid to say what you think or feel because you're worried about what they'll think, or you keep them at arm's length so that they'll never have the chance to get close enough to you to know how you really are. you're afraid that if they learn, they'll leave. you may not think it's true but give it some more thought. your sister or your father who you fight with and then go out and drink with your friends and don't give it a second thought. your best friend of 10 years, who will call you tomorrow no matter what you said last night when you were feeling sad or irritated. you don't censor yourself around them. why? because you know that they won't leave. but maybe your mother has always been judgmental of you, or you're not sure that a particular friend REALLY likes you or is just nice to you for the sake of mutual friends. do you put as much out there? are you as open, as vulnerable, even as angry, to their faces? does the outside match what you're feeling inside? maybe not. why? you're afraid that if you give all of you, they won't like it. they won't respect it. they won't love it. and maybe they'll leave, and you can't bear that, or it may be as simple as not wanting to deal with the drama that will ensue as a result.

i'm willing to bet that you test boundaries with the people closest to you. maybe not as often as you did when you were younger, but if your mother has always, always been there, through thick and thin, you're probably not afraid to tell her that she's driving you crazy. you're probably not afraid to yell at her. not because you don't care about her feelings, but because you know that SHE knows that you love her, and nothing will ever change that, not even a little bit. and you know she's not going anywhere. you could shoot a guy and she could know that you did it and she would still testify for you in court. of course nothing is like the love that someone has for their children, and my parents and grandparents have taught me that. but it is the sort of love that we call unconditional, and i think that it's the only kind worth feeling. if you're going to love someone and allow them to love you back, you have to close your eyes and jump. be you, all you, nothing but you, 100% of the time. if you're not, they won't be able to tell whether or not they actually DO love you, because it's not you that they see.

loving someone and being in love are different. people know that. i'm not going to break that down for you or anything. but at the core, love is love. and i just think that it's all or nothing.