gravity

it has been WAY too long since i've seen "intervention." every time i search the guide for it, it is nowhere to be found. but just now i searched and two episodes came up! they air tomorrow! i'm psyched. that's really all i wanted to say about that. i was having intervention withdrawal. poor choice of words, sure, but the truth is the truth. IT'S THE TRUTH!

i am really jumpy and bored and not tired, despite the fact that it's 3am. i took a late afternoon/early evening nap and now i am wide awake. i am so desperately bored that i'm watching "just my luck" on hbo comedy for like the 14th time. i should not have taken a nap. sure, i was tired at the time, but that exhaustion really would have been more useful, like, uh...now. and to make matters worse, i don't really have anything i'd like to blog about. okay that's not true. but timing is a bitch.

i hope this is alright to do and i hope that if it's not, someone will let me know. there is someone very talented on myspace who wrote a blog a few months back that i believe was either deleted or is just...no longer available to read because i can't find it, but i saved it because it was exactly what i needed to hear at the time. i'd like to quote just a small part of it because i think it's so true and i hope she doesn't mind that i'm pasting her words here. just to be clear, i DID NOT write the following...

i think men are better at relationships. they manage to keep their independence, focus on their work, their hobbies, their desires, their friendships, so much better than women generally do. Women, on the other hand, get so wrapped up in the other person's life that they sacrifice their friendships, let their work suffer, and forget to brush their hair.

...but i wish i had. i have so many dreams and plans, and i WILL accomplish them all, but i love to love. i love to BE loved, i love to hug, to be held, to have someone to take care of, with whom to share my dreams and plans and my ups and downs...the list goes on. everyone ultimately wants that, i guess. and it's hard not to focus on it when you're with someone, especially someone wonderful, who deserves the focus and the desire and the attention. so how do i silence my fear of losing that? i don't want to be too caught up in anything to put my all into a good relationship. i also don't want to be considered lame for my relationship focus being TOO strong, in the sense that i neglect other things. i need to find that balance. for the first time in my life i know that right now, i NEED to find that balance. because, yes, my friends, i have a boyfriend. a sweet, smart, funny, fun, affectionate, adorable, awesome boyfriend who sees me for who i am and LIKES it. and i'm happy. and i do.not.want. to fuck it up.

there was a time when i would cry every time i left my (ex) boyfriend's house because i felt so confused, neglected, and unwanted. i tried to make that work for too long. i don't know why we do this to ourselves. and i don't want to get into that too much. but these days i drive home with a smile on my face and i'm all fuzzy inside. i love it. i don't want to lose him, but i don't want to lose myself either. mostly, i don't want to lose him by losing myself. i like people. i like my relationships with people. i'm good at them.

*deep breath*

balance.

edit: both of the intervention episodes were reruns. both of them. :'(