regarding mistletoe...

i just want to remind everyone again that you don't have to have a blogger account to post comments here. you can check "other" and then type in your name, or you can choose the "anonymous" option. people have been asking me about it again so i just wanted to clarify. if you want to comment, you can! comment one, comment all.

sometimes it's difficult for me to write here because of the nature of my blog. i'm only good at writing what i know, and there's quite a bit of me here. at the same time, this is not my personal diary - i am writing for an audience, so i try to remain somewhat detached while still pulling from my own thoughts, ideas and experiences. when my brain is too cluttered with overwhelming thought; my heart too full of overwhelming emotion, i can find it hard to come here and just throw out ideas without making it too personal. this is my explanation to you as to why i'm not here writing every single day, though i want to be.

it's starting to get cold. at night and in the mornings, at least. i was driving at 7:30 yesterday morning and it was still getting light, and i was so frozen because my heat hadn't kicked in yet that i practically stuck in my hunched over the steering wheel position. i think i pulled a few muscles. i love warm weather and i love sunshine, but the cold reminds me that the holidays are near. i love christmas. i love christmas movies, christmas trees, the lights at the zoo, snow, hot chocolate, buying presents, getting presents, going christmas shopping at the mall while choirs sing carols or christmas music plays. santa claus scares me but i find comfort in knowing he's there while i'm shopping; children lined up and crying and taking pictures. makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. i love candy canes and i love stirring them into my hot chocolate to make it minty. i like reindeer. i love spending christmas eve with my family because it's the one thing we've ALWAYS done together, every single year of my life. i used to love spending the holidays with my friends, too, but that's more complicated these days now that everyone's spread out, drifted apart, and in relationships. i understand though. i'm just waiting for my chance to sit by a fire or a christmas tree while "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" plays softly and i cuddle with my boy. i'm getting too personal again, i know, but christmas...i just live for christmas. every year i say i'm going to put christmas lights inside my car, hang candy canes, and play christmas carols throughout the entire holiday season. this may be the year.

but most people i know - maybe not most, but certainly a significant amount - find christmas stressful. depressing, even. some of them dread it. this is something that i don't understand. sure, christmas is different now. my grandparents and my aunt and uncle are gone. my father is gone. i'm not spoiled with an entire livingroom full of gifts and my mom isn't lying next to me on christmas eve, urging me to hurry up and get to sleep or santa won't come. but i refuse to let christmas lose its magic. there's something about being inside a warm house with people you love when you know it's freezing outside that's so comforting. and i have good christmas memories. last year i cried on christmas. i cried because someone disappointed me. i cried because i wanted things so badly to be perfect but there's only so much that any one person can control. i set myself up. so this year i think i'll only have christmas wishes instead of expectations. and a gingerbread house would be nice.

i'm kind of like the department stores that already have the christmas displays up. sorry about that. i'll try not to write too much more about christmas until at least the week of thanksgiving. :) oh but one more thing: the best holiday song is sarah silverman's "give the jew girl toys." look into it.