i didn't mean to make you cry

i watched "i, robot" the other night. i was conflicted because i found myself rather drawn to the robot with the human-like, deep, blue eyes which was being taught to simulate emotions, but the very reason behind my theoretical, symbolic robot envy is that i am jealous that i feel so much while they feel nothing at all. that's a dilemma, folks. actually that's not a dilemma. a dilemma is when you have a problem, right, and there are different solutions, but they all suck. all of them. it's not just a regular old problem. it's a situation in which you must choose between the lesser of two evils. or among the least of...however many...evils...this has nothing to do with anything.

i'm sorry that i haven't been writing much lately. i have lots of reasons, all of which would bore you, i'm sure. anyway that movie was a trip, and i would totally analyze it more but to be honest with you, i didn't see the ending. so lemme watch it again and then we'll try that later.

how do you explain your emotions to someone? how do you explain to someone that it's necessary for you to cry sometimes, maybe more often than most people? everyone feels things differently. that's obvious, and it's also something i've covered here, many times. i was watching "the real world" on tivo earlier (i should have titled this blog "TELEVISION" instead of robot envy) and there's a guy in the house with a girlfriend back at home. they get into a silly argument on the phone because she calls him a nickname that he doesn't like. it's playful at first, and then suddenly he goes like...crazy and starts cursing at her and yelling and telling her to just stop saying it. she's totally shocked and confused and tries to talk to him, but he just keeps talking over her and yelling. she hangs up on him. he gets angry, goes out, gets drunk, whatever. the next day they're on the phone again and he tells her she shouldn't have hung up on him. she says he was being mean to her. he says he wasn't (he was, but regardless, i'm not a fan of hanging up on people, especially someone you love, when they're like literally on the other side of the world), and that she started the whole thing. they do a little arguing but it's not a major thing. they start to work it out. eventually she says, "i definitely cried a lot." and he just can't handle that. a minute later he asks her if she'll do one thing and promise that she won't cry anymore. she says that she can't promise that. he says he doesn't like it when she cries. she says she doesn't like it either. he says it hurts him more than it hurts her.

alright. she needed to release her emotions in that way. she wasn't crying to upset him, she was crying because she felt bad and she was overwhelmed. the whole conversation really struck a chord with me because i've encountered far too many people who've been so uncomfortable with emotions that i don't even know how to relate to them, and sometimes they even disappear from my life for good. it's easy for me to understand why he doesn't want her to cry. he feels guilty, and probably like her tears are unnecessary, and being the type of guy that this particular guy is, he has no idea how to react. but it's difficult for me to understand why he can't just accept her tears as her emotional release. i know at least some of you girls can relate when i say that it's a learned behavior of mine to hide my tears as often as possible, not to let people see me cry. not for the same stereotypical reasons that guys aren't "supposed" to cry - not because we feel or have been taught that it's a sign of weakness. but because we've had other people react to us in a fearful way when we've displayed a certain level of emotion. friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, maybe parents. i've learned that certain people interpret tears as manipulation. i've learned that certain people can't handle what they consider the responsibility of having "made" me cry. i just feel like i need to put it out there into the universe that nobody makes me cry but me. nobody makes me feel bad but me. as much as another person can be a factor in any way that you're feeling, you are always the one who ultimately decides how to handle it, even if, for the most part, your reaction is temporarily out of your control. i don't blame anyone for my feelings. i think that's a cop-out. but i do think that it's important to allow people the freedom of their own emotions. nobody likes to see anybody cry. it's sad, it hurts, and you feel helpless. we've all been there. but sometimes there is nowhere else for those feelings to go.

find whatever works for you. find whatever works for the people you love. if they need to be held, hold them. if they need to be tickled, do it, or left alone for a little while, respect it. but don't try to dictate the way that they exhibit their emotions. personally i need to know that someone cares enough about me not to make me feel that i have to hide an entire aspect of my personality. i've become afraid to argue because i don't believe that anyone feels i'm worth that. okay, maybe that's a whole other subject entirely. but my point is, allow others the freedom to be themselves. and allow yourself the same.

if we can't be vulnerable, we can't be loved.