Wednesday, November 14, 2007

a shot at sucking really hard

i'm suddenly and terribly hooked on these ridiculous, trashy reality dating shows on mtv and vh1 right now. tonight i was watching "a shot at love with tila tequila" (which i do boycott in theory for a number of reasons) and during the elimination scene, they cut to an interview with the "italian" guy and he says that he hopes he isn't sent home, because he doesn't feel that he's had enough of a chance to really show who he is. it caused me to have the lamest of lame revelations (lame based on the source that brought on the revelation, i mean): that's how i've been approaching relationships for years.

i try so hard. almost like i'm selling myself. i always feel that it's inevitable that i will be left in the end, so at the very least i try to make the other person realize what he'll be giving up. i guess maybe it's my way of controlling things. i can't control the way that other people feel and behave, but i can control the way that i go about things. the only problem is, that's a terrible way of doing it. it doesn't allow me to live in the moment or enjoy the good things. it's just that i worry so much that i'm oblivious to situations, since i've been dropped so quickly so many times. it's hard not to develop a defense mechanism. (and it certainly doesn't help that even from the beginning of my last relationship, my ex would regularly make completely serious remarks about how it was going to have to end sometime. why even get into a relationship if you're literally PLANNING to break up from the very start? but i digress.) to be honest, this isn't something that i've only just come to realize. it was just that tonight, while watching the grossest of all gross dating shows, i actually...related. that shit is NOT real; i think we all know that, which is what makes this so sad to me. i have been approaching my love life like a dating show: cramming as much into the relationship as i can in the shortest possible amount of time because i don't believe i'll have the chance to allow things to develop naturally. but since identifying this issue, i've made a point of NOT repeating past negative thoughts and behaviors. it doesn't always work; i'm human and sometimes i slip up. sometimes i'm annoying, or too anxious, and sometimes i cry. but only time will tell how things turn out. and that has to be okay.

on another/related/stupid note, i'm totally bummed that midget mac was eliminated from "i love new york 2." and i'm even more bummed that i missed that episode. and just as a SIDE note, i know that i should not be watching reality tv because i do support the writers' strike. but my tivo, man...it's lonely. cold and lonely. one more episode of "the office." ONE MORE. i just...

hi, my name is sarah, and i am addicted to television.

3 comments:

th-Inker said...

T.V., wow i mean T.V...wow
I don't feel your pain as I kicked that habit years ago. Now I'm doomed to wait until shows come to dvd, which a) isn't as popculturish (in that I don't get to gabb about the recent episode of Intervention..right its called intervention?) but b) allows me to experience an entire season of the L-Word in one day.

As i've digressed from the reason I initiated this comment...relationships: I'm no expert by any means as I cannot hold a stable relationship with women in any sort of way shape or form, however... A friend of mine has illuminated a behaviour that you touched upon in this post. His current "fling" i guess, has been frustrated with their relationship because she doesn't feel the intense love that she's been brainwashed into thinking is a necessary element of relationships. there is absolutely nothing wrong with them, they get along great, have fun together going/hanging out, yet she feel frustrated that their not to the point that they can't live without seeing each other everyday... i don't really know where i'm going with this, and I should probably have just made my own post, but suffice it to say, there is nothing wrong with having a relaxed approach to relationships, however I don't know one person who has made it work...

Rob said...

That's your problem with the show? That it's reality TV so you should support greedy writers? Fuck that noise, yo. I'm an addict and those writers ain't gonna stop me...

Anonymous said...

I find most reality tv really bleh because I don't like the general public and I don't like to irritate myself. I liked Intervention this summer, and I have a love/hate relationship with Trinny and Susannah. But I don't watch a lot of tv in general so I don't have a lot to say.

I agree with your revelation though, and I'm glad you're having revelations even if the source is lame.