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when i was 14, a woman who worked the concession stand at a movie theater in new york called me "sir." i was 5'2", long curly hair, wearing a floral shirt, and clearly female. she said, "can i help you, sir?" that's weird. i think we can all agree on that. but for the past...i don't know, five years or so, people have been calling me ma'am. now, as we've established, i am female. so i guess, technically, this is acceptable and appropriate. but i remember seeing a stand-up routine once, declaring that hearing someone call you "ma'am" feels like hearing someone call you "bitch." or, more specifically, "old bitch." it doesn't have a flattering ring to it. "sir" (provided you are speaking to a male) has a nice, dignified feel. my boyfriend and i discussed this the other day while we were at the grocery store and the people behind the meat counter kept calling him sir. i started to ask him...something, and he immediately said, "yeah, no, it's totally weird. every time." and i get it. he mostly felt that way because the dude calling him sir was definitely older than him. but we did agree that in general, sir just sounds much better than ma'am. what's that about? i could go on and on about this, obviously, but i'd rather just end it seinfeld-style if you don't mind. discuss.

aaanyway. speaking of time passing and people assuming you're old even though you are getting older but that's not the point, it's interesting to notice the way that each relationship we have changes us. friendships, romantic relationships, whatever. on the one hand, we have the opportunity to learn so much from our experiences, and on the other, so much damage is potentially done. i'm gonna quote some erykah badu lyrics now:

bag lady, you gon' hurt your back
draggin' all them bags like that
i guess nobody ever told you
all you must hold onto is you

one day all them bags gon' get in your way
so pack light

bag lady, you gon' miss your bus
you can't hurry up
'cause you got too much stuff

one day, he gon' say, "you crowding my space"
so pack light

girl i know sometimes it's hard
and you can't let go
oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
you can't deny it, you can't stop crying
if you start breathin', then you won't believe it
you'll feel so much better, so much better baby

let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
betcha love can make it better
- "bag lady"

sometimes i notice that when i'm not doing particularly well emotionally and i feel like i can't control anything, it's because i haven't been listening to enough erykah. i won't even START about her because then i'll never stop, but i believe that she is good for the soul. and this song, regardless of how much i did/do not want it to be, has been my theme song for far too long now. i wondered when i would be able to let go; to stop letting my old baggage affect my new relationships and to stop blaming new people for past people who've hurt me. i thought it would be so difficult that it would take me years. and i'm not saying that i'm cured of that. we live and we learn; we live and we get hurt and we cry and sometimes we fuck up. but it's okay to fuck up. it's okay to BE fucked up. you just have to recognize your own personal hang-ups and keep yourself in check. i've accumulated insecurities and issues in the past year or so that i NEVER had before. i can't blame that entirely on one or two or three people, but every experience shapes me. i saw "why did i get married" recently and one of the characters is left by her husband who treated her terribly, only to later get together with and marry a wonderful man who treats her the way that she deserves to be treated. a year or so later, she sees her ex-husband and he doesn't understand why she has forgiven him, since he's realized how badly he treated her. her response is that she had to, because if she hadn't, she would take it out on her new husband and he is way too good for that.

ultimately we're all responsible for ourselves. no one can "fix" us. no other person can make us love ourselves more, or be less afraid, or be more secure or less angry. but i am learning one thing: the good ones stick around. the ones who are worth it, they stick around. and it becomes easier and easier to separate things. and eventually? you'll stop holding onto the old shit. because if you don't let go, you can't embrace the new. and at least in my case, the new is way too good to let anything get in the way of that. i want to be happy. that seems so obvious, right? but i don't know if i ever did before. try saying that out loud, not feeling sorry for yourself, not in a longing way. just in a very matter of fact manner. i WANT to be happy.

let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go.