you're my favorite person on earth

i'm going to start off by telling you to read my friend rachel's journal, i'm addicted to words. she's an absolutely beautiful writer and arlan recently featured something that she wrote in this entry on yourdailylesbianmoment. ditto to arlan's comments about it, by the way. i couldn't have said it better myself.

they say actions speak louder than words, right? that's definitely true. but the thing is, i like words. a lot. words can lose their meanings, though. when someone says the same thing to you, over and over, you can start to tune them out. parents and significant others and anyone else with whom we spend significant time can start sounding like wind-up dolls; the same five phrases over and over and over again. when i was little i had a pee-wee herman wind-up doll. you'd pull the string on his back and he'd say, like, "i know what you are but what am i?" and...other stuff. i guess i wore him out because eventually if you just pulled the string and let it go, he would talk at super speed and in order to understand him you would have to hold the string while he talked and let go a little at a time, to slow it down. i know he was just a broken doll, but it seemed a good metaphor for when you're so sure of what someone's going to say, it starts to not even make any sense anymore. but we take actions for granted, too.

i like to give. i'm a generous person. i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm a taker too. i grew up a spoiled only child and i don't find it difficult to accept gifts or favors or compliments. but i was taught, by example, to give everything you have to other people. my family (i was raised by both of my parents and my maternal grandparents) certainly never had to, or tried to, buy my love. i got so many hugs and kisses and i love you's that i really consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. consequently, i'm quite comfortable with my emotions, i find it easy to verbally express myself, and i'm very affectionate. but i love giving people things, too. i just do. nothing ever seems enough. when i love you, i'll walk through fire for you. my family definitely had its problems but i grew up in an environment of unconditional love, and that is the only kind that i know how to give.

it's hard for so many people to accept things. compliments, love, gifts, favors...i respect that. but it hurts me to see people doing that because they don't think they're worth it. i don't know. the reason i'm generally so quick to accept other people's generosity is that i know that if things were flipped, i would do the same. maybe that's an entirely different subject, but that's how it is. it's how and why i operate the way that i do. honestly i often find myself saying or feeling that i give too much. cliche, i know. oh, the woman who gave too much; who loved too much. too much. is there really such a thing? i just wish that i could explain to people that this is me, and while i don't wish to be ignored or taken advantage of, this is not a mind game. if only i could be myself without putting pressure on other people. i don't know if there's anything that i can do about that, though. it's too hard to hold back. i have too much to give. i was given SO much myself, enough for five lifetimes. it is my joy and my burden. much like pepsi.

if you look up the word "emo" on uh...urbandictionary (or whatever, just go with it), there is a picture of my sad, black eyeliner wearing face. a single tear streaming down my cheek. youguys remember that sketch they did on saturday night live in the 90's of bob dole in the real world house and he overheard the other roommates talking about how much he sucked and then he cried one tear? that was funny. emo bob dole.

and on that strange note, good night.