chocolate

first: i love cats. i love my cat, i love all of the cats i owned before her, and i probably love your cat, too. cat people are defensive.

second: i'm watching more "sex and the city" on hbo on demand and it prompted me to google some theories and ideas. in my search, i discovered this, which i thought was interesting:

According to Dr. Crenshaw, oxytocin may indeed be the reason why women more than men tend to be "love junkies" or "the slaves of love."

Oxytocin and estradiol synergize to produce heightened sensitivity to touch. Apart from that, Dr. Crenshaw points out that little girls tend to get more cuddling, which generally produces a considerable degree of pleasure regardless of estrogen levels; as the girl gets older and parental cuddling gets less, she may suffer from oxytocin withdrawal.

click for source

puppy love

why is it that, in movies, when women are single and lonely, they own a cat? why does the term "cat lady" exist? why cats? cats don't even need us. i saw something on animal planet a few months ago that said very little separates domesticated cats from wild cats and that's why it's so easy for them to survive on their own and multiply the way that they do. dogs, on the other hand, need lots of attention. they need cuddles and walks and they love it when you talk to them and they love to lick you. i know that it's impractical for someone with a small apartment to have, say, a german shepherd as a pet, but there are many breeds of smaller dogs that would be no more hassle in terms of care than a cat is. i've owned plenty of both; i know what i'm talking about. cats, big dogs, in between dogs, small dogs. parakeets, fish, gerbils...but i digress. anyway i just don't get the cat thing. i think in that situation, having only a cat would generally just make me lonelier.

so, basically i'm writing to say this: if i find myself desperate and alone one day, it will not be me and a cat. if i really think about it, i'm tempted to say that that scenario would only be an extension of the mindset that we only want what we can't have, or that certain people are only attracted to emotionally distant people. don't get me wrong - i like cats. but if anything, i'll be a dog lady. i need the kisses and the cuddles. i need to be needed. not to mention litterboxes: ew. that's just not right.

more soon.

tila your mom

i really wanna just talk about tv. oh, but wait, movies too. okay. the other day i randomly caught this movie called "mr. jealousy" about this guy who's...jealous. actually lost one girlfriend in college because he wasn't spending enough time with her, due to the fact that he WAS spending so much time STALKING her ex-boyfriend. but the thing was, in the relationship that they focused on for the bulk of the movie, he actually did display pretty normal, chilled out behavior for the most part, but he totally ended up in a situation where the chick cheated on him with two different guys, both exes, and ultimately they broke up! and then they made him out to be the bad guy! i was so confused. just, like, watch that movie if you ever get a chance. it's eric stoltz and annabella sciorra.

okay. and then i watched that tila tequila show tonight and, like, first of all, if tila doesn't end up picking dani, can i get her number? because she's awesome. which kind of makes no sense because why is she on this show then. that's not to say that ellie (arlan's roommate, who appeared on the first episode) isn't awesome, because she is, but like...i don't know, just the fact that dani's still there suggests insanity, yet she seems so far from that. it's all very confusing. i'm gonna need to make charts. but see the thing is, i think amanda's cool, too. but every time they interview her, she talks about the show like it's a game. which it IS. but dani genuinely seems to take the emotional aspect of things seriously while at the same time appearing normal. i don't get it. anyway. so brandy (i don't know how her name is spelled so we're going with that) like never stops crying. she cried at elimination, after elimination, on her way back to the house, talking to tila, and then leaving the house. and she keeps saying she loves tila. look, i understand falling in love fast. but...seriously? i mean is she watching the show? has she been there? there have been like ten hundred other people around always and tila probably had to draw pictures and write their names on flash cards just to remember who they were. each of them got so little alone time with her, production has them playing all of these ridiculous games, and tila is the fakest bitch on earth. if brandy is/was really in love with tila, i feel that some therapy may be needed. and bobby, too. there is something WEIRD about bobby though. i can't put my finger on it. but did youguys see how the dudes cried when domenico left? haha. and i totally want a spin-off of this series called "dani and domenico" because they are the cutest.

do youguys watch "the hills"? how much do you hate heidi and spencer? especially spencer? seriously, how much? and how much of an idiot is justin bobby? i swear to god, spencer is like...if he is even a TENTH of the douchebag, asshole, dickwad that he appears to be on that show, that guy is the devil's direct spawn. SO gross and horrible. like, jesus christ. i can't even describe in words how much i hate this person on a reality show. it's the oddest thing ever. but have you SEEN him? what a psycho jerk.

i really needed to get all of that out of my system. there was no point but please leave comments if you have any thoughts or opinions because it's fun. and if i don't post again before thanksgiving, have a great one!

i didn't mean to make you cry

i watched "i, robot" the other night. i was conflicted because i found myself rather drawn to the robot with the human-like, deep, blue eyes which was being taught to simulate emotions, but the very reason behind my theoretical, symbolic robot envy is that i am jealous that i feel so much while they feel nothing at all. that's a dilemma, folks. actually that's not a dilemma. a dilemma is when you have a problem, right, and there are different solutions, but they all suck. all of them. it's not just a regular old problem. it's a situation in which you must choose between the lesser of two evils. or among the least of...however many...evils...this has nothing to do with anything.

i'm sorry that i haven't been writing much lately. i have lots of reasons, all of which would bore you, i'm sure. anyway that movie was a trip, and i would totally analyze it more but to be honest with you, i didn't see the ending. so lemme watch it again and then we'll try that later.

how do you explain your emotions to someone? how do you explain to someone that it's necessary for you to cry sometimes, maybe more often than most people? everyone feels things differently. that's obvious, and it's also something i've covered here, many times. i was watching "the real world" on tivo earlier (i should have titled this blog "TELEVISION" instead of robot envy) and there's a guy in the house with a girlfriend back at home. they get into a silly argument on the phone because she calls him a nickname that he doesn't like. it's playful at first, and then suddenly he goes like...crazy and starts cursing at her and yelling and telling her to just stop saying it. she's totally shocked and confused and tries to talk to him, but he just keeps talking over her and yelling. she hangs up on him. he gets angry, goes out, gets drunk, whatever. the next day they're on the phone again and he tells her she shouldn't have hung up on him. she says he was being mean to her. he says he wasn't (he was, but regardless, i'm not a fan of hanging up on people, especially someone you love, when they're like literally on the other side of the world), and that she started the whole thing. they do a little arguing but it's not a major thing. they start to work it out. eventually she says, "i definitely cried a lot." and he just can't handle that. a minute later he asks her if she'll do one thing and promise that she won't cry anymore. she says that she can't promise that. he says he doesn't like it when she cries. she says she doesn't like it either. he says it hurts him more than it hurts her.

alright. she needed to release her emotions in that way. she wasn't crying to upset him, she was crying because she felt bad and she was overwhelmed. the whole conversation really struck a chord with me because i've encountered far too many people who've been so uncomfortable with emotions that i don't even know how to relate to them, and sometimes they even disappear from my life for good. it's easy for me to understand why he doesn't want her to cry. he feels guilty, and probably like her tears are unnecessary, and being the type of guy that this particular guy is, he has no idea how to react. but it's difficult for me to understand why he can't just accept her tears as her emotional release. i know at least some of you girls can relate when i say that it's a learned behavior of mine to hide my tears as often as possible, not to let people see me cry. not for the same stereotypical reasons that guys aren't "supposed" to cry - not because we feel or have been taught that it's a sign of weakness. but because we've had other people react to us in a fearful way when we've displayed a certain level of emotion. friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, maybe parents. i've learned that certain people interpret tears as manipulation. i've learned that certain people can't handle what they consider the responsibility of having "made" me cry. i just feel like i need to put it out there into the universe that nobody makes me cry but me. nobody makes me feel bad but me. as much as another person can be a factor in any way that you're feeling, you are always the one who ultimately decides how to handle it, even if, for the most part, your reaction is temporarily out of your control. i don't blame anyone for my feelings. i think that's a cop-out. but i do think that it's important to allow people the freedom of their own emotions. nobody likes to see anybody cry. it's sad, it hurts, and you feel helpless. we've all been there. but sometimes there is nowhere else for those feelings to go.

find whatever works for you. find whatever works for the people you love. if they need to be held, hold them. if they need to be tickled, do it, or left alone for a little while, respect it. but don't try to dictate the way that they exhibit their emotions. personally i need to know that someone cares enough about me not to make me feel that i have to hide an entire aspect of my personality. i've become afraid to argue because i don't believe that anyone feels i'm worth that. okay, maybe that's a whole other subject entirely. but my point is, allow others the freedom to be themselves. and allow yourself the same.

if we can't be vulnerable, we can't be loved.

a shot at sucking really hard

i'm suddenly and terribly hooked on these ridiculous, trashy reality dating shows on mtv and vh1 right now. tonight i was watching "a shot at love with tila tequila" (which i do boycott in theory for a number of reasons) and during the elimination scene, they cut to an interview with the "italian" guy and he says that he hopes he isn't sent home, because he doesn't feel that he's had enough of a chance to really show who he is. it caused me to have the lamest of lame revelations (lame based on the source that brought on the revelation, i mean): that's how i've been approaching relationships for years.

i try so hard. almost like i'm selling myself. i always feel that it's inevitable that i will be left in the end, so at the very least i try to make the other person realize what he'll be giving up. i guess maybe it's my way of controlling things. i can't control the way that other people feel and behave, but i can control the way that i go about things. the only problem is, that's a terrible way of doing it. it doesn't allow me to live in the moment or enjoy the good things. it's just that i worry so much that i'm oblivious to situations, since i've been dropped so quickly so many times. it's hard not to develop a defense mechanism. (and it certainly doesn't help that even from the beginning of my last relationship, my ex would regularly make completely serious remarks about how it was going to have to end sometime. why even get into a relationship if you're literally PLANNING to break up from the very start? but i digress.) to be honest, this isn't something that i've only just come to realize. it was just that tonight, while watching the grossest of all gross dating shows, i actually...related. that shit is NOT real; i think we all know that, which is what makes this so sad to me. i have been approaching my love life like a dating show: cramming as much into the relationship as i can in the shortest possible amount of time because i don't believe i'll have the chance to allow things to develop naturally. but since identifying this issue, i've made a point of NOT repeating past negative thoughts and behaviors. it doesn't always work; i'm human and sometimes i slip up. sometimes i'm annoying, or too anxious, and sometimes i cry. but only time will tell how things turn out. and that has to be okay.

on another/related/stupid note, i'm totally bummed that midget mac was eliminated from "i love new york 2." and i'm even more bummed that i missed that episode. and just as a SIDE note, i know that i should not be watching reality tv because i do support the writers' strike. but my tivo, man...it's lonely. cold and lonely. one more episode of "the office." ONE MORE. i just...

hi, my name is sarah, and i am addicted to television.

you're my favorite person on earth

i'm going to start off by telling you to read my friend rachel's journal, i'm addicted to words. she's an absolutely beautiful writer and arlan recently featured something that she wrote in this entry on yourdailylesbianmoment. ditto to arlan's comments about it, by the way. i couldn't have said it better myself.

they say actions speak louder than words, right? that's definitely true. but the thing is, i like words. a lot. words can lose their meanings, though. when someone says the same thing to you, over and over, you can start to tune them out. parents and significant others and anyone else with whom we spend significant time can start sounding like wind-up dolls; the same five phrases over and over and over again. when i was little i had a pee-wee herman wind-up doll. you'd pull the string on his back and he'd say, like, "i know what you are but what am i?" and...other stuff. i guess i wore him out because eventually if you just pulled the string and let it go, he would talk at super speed and in order to understand him you would have to hold the string while he talked and let go a little at a time, to slow it down. i know he was just a broken doll, but it seemed a good metaphor for when you're so sure of what someone's going to say, it starts to not even make any sense anymore. but we take actions for granted, too.

i like to give. i'm a generous person. i mean, don't get me wrong, i'm a taker too. i grew up a spoiled only child and i don't find it difficult to accept gifts or favors or compliments. but i was taught, by example, to give everything you have to other people. my family (i was raised by both of my parents and my maternal grandparents) certainly never had to, or tried to, buy my love. i got so many hugs and kisses and i love you's that i really consider myself the luckiest girl in the world. consequently, i'm quite comfortable with my emotions, i find it easy to verbally express myself, and i'm very affectionate. but i love giving people things, too. i just do. nothing ever seems enough. when i love you, i'll walk through fire for you. my family definitely had its problems but i grew up in an environment of unconditional love, and that is the only kind that i know how to give.

it's hard for so many people to accept things. compliments, love, gifts, favors...i respect that. but it hurts me to see people doing that because they don't think they're worth it. i don't know. the reason i'm generally so quick to accept other people's generosity is that i know that if things were flipped, i would do the same. maybe that's an entirely different subject, but that's how it is. it's how and why i operate the way that i do. honestly i often find myself saying or feeling that i give too much. cliche, i know. oh, the woman who gave too much; who loved too much. too much. is there really such a thing? i just wish that i could explain to people that this is me, and while i don't wish to be ignored or taken advantage of, this is not a mind game. if only i could be myself without putting pressure on other people. i don't know if there's anything that i can do about that, though. it's too hard to hold back. i have too much to give. i was given SO much myself, enough for five lifetimes. it is my joy and my burden. much like pepsi.

if you look up the word "emo" on uh...urbandictionary (or whatever, just go with it), there is a picture of my sad, black eyeliner wearing face. a single tear streaming down my cheek. youguys remember that sketch they did on saturday night live in the 90's of bob dole in the real world house and he overheard the other roommates talking about how much he sucked and then he cried one tear? that was funny. emo bob dole.

and on that strange note, good night.

live laugh love

when i was 14, a woman who worked the concession stand at a movie theater in new york called me "sir." i was 5'2", long curly hair, wearing a floral shirt, and clearly female. she said, "can i help you, sir?" that's weird. i think we can all agree on that. but for the past...i don't know, five years or so, people have been calling me ma'am. now, as we've established, i am female. so i guess, technically, this is acceptable and appropriate. but i remember seeing a stand-up routine once, declaring that hearing someone call you "ma'am" feels like hearing someone call you "bitch." or, more specifically, "old bitch." it doesn't have a flattering ring to it. "sir" (provided you are speaking to a male) has a nice, dignified feel. my boyfriend and i discussed this the other day while we were at the grocery store and the people behind the meat counter kept calling him sir. i started to ask him...something, and he immediately said, "yeah, no, it's totally weird. every time." and i get it. he mostly felt that way because the dude calling him sir was definitely older than him. but we did agree that in general, sir just sounds much better than ma'am. what's that about? i could go on and on about this, obviously, but i'd rather just end it seinfeld-style if you don't mind. discuss.

aaanyway. speaking of time passing and people assuming you're old even though you are getting older but that's not the point, it's interesting to notice the way that each relationship we have changes us. friendships, romantic relationships, whatever. on the one hand, we have the opportunity to learn so much from our experiences, and on the other, so much damage is potentially done. i'm gonna quote some erykah badu lyrics now:

bag lady, you gon' hurt your back
draggin' all them bags like that
i guess nobody ever told you
all you must hold onto is you

one day all them bags gon' get in your way
so pack light

bag lady, you gon' miss your bus
you can't hurry up
'cause you got too much stuff

one day, he gon' say, "you crowding my space"
so pack light

girl i know sometimes it's hard
and you can't let go
oh when someone hurts you oh so bad inside
you can't deny it, you can't stop crying
if you start breathin', then you won't believe it
you'll feel so much better, so much better baby

let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
betcha love can make it better
- "bag lady"

sometimes i notice that when i'm not doing particularly well emotionally and i feel like i can't control anything, it's because i haven't been listening to enough erykah. i won't even START about her because then i'll never stop, but i believe that she is good for the soul. and this song, regardless of how much i did/do not want it to be, has been my theme song for far too long now. i wondered when i would be able to let go; to stop letting my old baggage affect my new relationships and to stop blaming new people for past people who've hurt me. i thought it would be so difficult that it would take me years. and i'm not saying that i'm cured of that. we live and we learn; we live and we get hurt and we cry and sometimes we fuck up. but it's okay to fuck up. it's okay to BE fucked up. you just have to recognize your own personal hang-ups and keep yourself in check. i've accumulated insecurities and issues in the past year or so that i NEVER had before. i can't blame that entirely on one or two or three people, but every experience shapes me. i saw "why did i get married" recently and one of the characters is left by her husband who treated her terribly, only to later get together with and marry a wonderful man who treats her the way that she deserves to be treated. a year or so later, she sees her ex-husband and he doesn't understand why she has forgiven him, since he's realized how badly he treated her. her response is that she had to, because if she hadn't, she would take it out on her new husband and he is way too good for that.

ultimately we're all responsible for ourselves. no one can "fix" us. no other person can make us love ourselves more, or be less afraid, or be more secure or less angry. but i am learning one thing: the good ones stick around. the ones who are worth it, they stick around. and it becomes easier and easier to separate things. and eventually? you'll stop holding onto the old shit. because if you don't let go, you can't embrace the new. and at least in my case, the new is way too good to let anything get in the way of that. i want to be happy. that seems so obvious, right? but i don't know if i ever did before. try saying that out loud, not feeling sorry for yourself, not in a longing way. just in a very matter of fact manner. i WANT to be happy.

let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go.

i get it from my mama

my mom is a great writer. she hasn't really written anything in a long time but i have been encouraging her to for as long as i can remember. last night i mentioned that, you know, mommy, you can have a blog. anybody can. so now she does.

my mom has a lot of things to say and she's the smartest person i know. i'm so happy that she has a forum in which to share all of her thoughts and ideas. so please read her blog and leave her some love. she's got one post up so far and lots of drafts just waiting in the wings. click the link and check her out: You Ignorant Sluts (title's explained in the description, don't worry, ha). she's also the second blog link over there to your right. --->

this is my 50th post youguys! i've now been writing here since july. it feels great and i love coming here and expressing myself and getting feedback from all of you. as a writer it's been a tremendous help in getting back into the habit of writing regularly again, and being a creative (i do use that term loosely, but you know, it's all relative, i suppose) person, i need the outlet. youguys will buy my novel when it comes out, right? ;)

more soon...

p.s: thanks to everyone who participated in arlan's uh...ELEVEN, wait no, TWELVE, webchats earlier. it was nice talking to youguys! i'll be back for them as often as i can. :)

i needed you that day, too

i was watching "i think i love my wife" last night. one of the characters decided that another was too limited in his taste in music and insisted that they swap ipods for a period of time. my initial reaction was, NOOOOOOO DON'T LET GO OF THE IPOOOOODDDD! IT'S YOUR IPOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD! but then i got over my initial panic and realized what a nice idea it was. music is my life. my ipod is my soundtrack (for the most part). how cool would that be to get inside someone's head in that way, and vice versa, for just a little while, and maybe feel what it's like to see things through their ears? maybe rain looks different, listening to kanye rather than madonna, or foo fighters rather than tegan and sara. maybe you just needed the perfect song so that you don't go CRAZY riding the subway, and you didn't even know that it existed until you popped those earphones in.

on another note, since i have been talking about love here a little bit lately, i was thinking that it might be a good time to promote margaret cho's marriage equality site, loveisloveislove.com. margaret is an incredible human rights advocate and activist. her empathy for people is so deep and strong, and i am constantly humbled by her selflessness and her fearlessness. i consider her heroic in the most basic and honest senses of the word, and regardless of her comedy career, no matter what you feel about the way she goes about expressing herself in performance, it is undeniable that she is an extraordinary human being. and so i urge you to visit that site, and also her official site, margaretcho.com. if nothing else, make a point to read her blog. if you're not inspired, then i simply don't know what to do with you. ;) if you wanna take it a step further, i highly, HIGHLY recommend her book i have chosen to stay and fight.

thank you, all of you, for your continued love and support. and if you're free at 2pm PST today, be sure to join arlan for her live webchat. i'm sure you can find out the details on her blog. i was there last night and i'll try to be again tomorrow. good stuff, boys and girls. good stuff.

what's simple is true

one of my best friends is getting married next year, and today...er, yesterday (oh, insomnia), i went with her to browse some wedding bands. towards the end of our visit to the jewelry store, i had the sales people size my ring finger because when i was in high school and i was sized for my class ring, they said i was a size 5, but that ring was always way too big for me. i have had my suspicions for eight years now and it turns out i was right - i am not a 5! i am barely a 4, even. which apparently means that if i ever wanted a ring for that finger that would actually fit me, i would need to have it special ordered. moral of the story: i have freakishly small fingers. not that i want large fingers, but it just makes me feel, like...lame. like i have tiny child fingers. hmm. oh well. this was an interesting paragraph.

i've been trying to avoid talking about it, but i've been thinking a lot about love lately. i know i posted about it recently but it's still on my mind quite a bit. it's just so interesting to me because it means something different to everyone, but ultimately it really is all that there is to anything. i think that there should be as much love going around as possible. i don't think people should be so afraid to say "i love you" because life is too short and you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. it's three words that are so not a big deal but they can be just because of this huge issue if, say, it wasn't something you were used to hearing growing up, or you've been burned badly in the past. it just takes on this whole force of its own, like, it's not that hard to love, but to let your guard down like that can be so difficult. just speaking the words. why are we so afraid of being loved? it's a good thing. why are we so afraid to say it? to anyone, really. i'm not even just talking romantically here. my brain has been all over this subject lately, for many reasons. my life is very different now than it was even a few years ago, and it causes me to re-evaluate matters pretty regularly. but the thing is, something as sweet and as necessary and as HUMAN as love shouldn't be analyzed. it shouldn't be. i say it a good 10 times a day, whether it's to my mother or my pets or my friends, and i mean it so deeply every time the words come out of my mouth yet it somehow is not that big of a deal because without love, what are we? what are we doing? you know? i feel love, i express love, i am love. it's so easy yet so scary, because it hurts when it's taken away, whether it's someone taking back their words or leaving your life forever. but in the end, you should be free to say how you feel and everyone has the right to know that they are loved.

i feel like bursting into song! :)

aaaaaaaanyway. where the hell do i go from there? heavy, heavy, heavy.

"intervention" starts a new season on monday. i love that. "project runway" is back soon. loving it. and although i wish it weren't necessary, i also love sleep. so i bid you adieu; be well, love hard, y vuelve a mi. ciao, my darlings.

dear valued guests...

don't youguys like how the opening of that tila tequila show on mtv is a clip from one of her...videos(?) and she's going, "believe me when i tell you this: if you ever leave me, i'll kill you"? yeah that's not creepy or fucked at all, is it? especially given the nature of the show. but let's not get into that.

sorry if anyone was frightened or scarred by yesterday's post. everyone realizes that i didn't write the italicized stuff, right? it's just one of those things that you read or see and you can't contain all of the information yourself, you just have to share it. so you're welcome.

i've fully come to and embraced the realization that i am meant to work with words and animals. i'm not meant to have people in my face constantly; i just don't have the knack for dealing with that. i am good at expressing thoughts and feelings to other people in order to relate and connect with them, not appeasing every asshole who crosses my path. i can sit and have a 30 minute conversation with a dog, but if you put a child in front of me, not a thought comes to mind. i don't have a clue what to say to them. it really does make me feel crazy, because everyone around me, in practically every situation, has something to say to just about anyone. they know the kinds of questions to ask, how to avoid awkwardness, and are often genuinely interested in including strangers in activities. i'll be honest: i'm not. i mean i have my moments, of course, and it's not that i'm terrible at interacting with people because when put in a group of shy types, i can be very loud and outgoing. and when people get upset, i know how to calm them down. but generally...i just...i feel so out of place. really misunderstood. i'm not really going anywhere with this, i just thought that i would share. sometimes sharing is good, see?

oh well. hopefully someone can relate to that. i'm all out for tonight. er, this morning, i guess. more soon, promise.